Public waste

Don't waste yours.

I suppose I could complain today about the poor quality of the political parties and their policies during this election, or about my sore feet after a month trudging along the streets of Castle City in support of one particular party, or about the farce that democracy in Britain has become.

I believe I should say no such thing.

Don't waste theirs.

Picture from here.

Commercial break

Lenin boasted that capitalists would sell the communists the very rope with which the Reds would hang them.

Libertarians proclaim that the market can meet almost any demands if left alone by government.

They’re both right, and it’s almost impossible to parody. Er…
It does look, however, as if some very specialist businesses have been helping the pols put the boot in on our country all over the shop…

Are you the Leader Of The Opposition?

Is the governing party abject and in disarray at your feet and on its way out? Are you looking forward to a happy life in office: the interview with the Queen; the house; the flashy cars; the armed policeman standing at the door?

But do you still worry about underarm ideology?

Did you know that only B/O can keep you from office?

Are you aware that a last-minute accusation of political belief/opinion might steal that reward for your lifetime spent climbing the greasy pole and keep you out of Downing Street? B/O is bad because everyone knows that only bad people raise their arms; bad people and housepainters. And even some house painters were bad. Don’t be tarred with their brush.

Richard and Judy can protect you from accusations of controversial (or indeed any) ideas. The bland leading the blonde have interviewed over 1000 mediocre politicians in all the major parties and the top fifty interchangeable mainstream media pundits, and we think that under controlled conditions, no-one will be able to tell you apart from them either.

Let our middle-of-the-road gang give you a nonentity makeover and polish your image so brightly that it becomes the perfect mirror of the undifferentiated who govern Britain.

Don’t delay; call Richard and Judy on the freephone number or visit our website at www.richardardandjudy.co.uk

Richard and Judy: politics without punch for 20 years.

Are you dyslexic?

Take our easy test and discover the truth.

Which of the following is the correct spelling:-

A. Targetting women and children.

B. Going out of your way to avoid innocent deaths up to and including informing non-combatants well in advance about the targets of planned air attacks.

A. Militants.

B. Terrorists who deliberately attack civilian homes and businesses to cause the maximum death and injury by suicide bombings.

A. Pro-democracy demonstrators.

B. Nepalese Communist Party.

A. Independent watchdog.

B. Left-wing pressure group now given devolved legislative power by Parliament.

If you chose any ‘B’ at all, then you are dyslexic.

Let BBC English help you.

Once renowned worldwide for its stolidly impartial broadcasting and its high standards of spoken English, the BBC has diversified into learning support and can help you with your vocabulary issues. Let us expand your nomenclature and gild your perceptions with our 24/7 online English tutorials, and soon you’ll know exactly why it’s the correct thing to refer to all of the following: Soviet reactionaries opposed to democracy in Russia; ultra-purist Islamic theologians in revolutionary Iran and last-ditch Afrikaner proponents of apartheid as ‘conservatives,’ and why members of the British Conservative Party must always be called ‘Tories’.

BBC English: be the biased.

Work For Life.

It’s time for you to get on in life and get busy.You deserve a cosy little starter home of your own with its two or three bedrooms, a shower for cleaning the sick off and a nice big living room to keep your 50 inch Panasonic and unwrap your tea in.

You’ll need an independent income for up to three decades so you can grow (sometimes literally) as a unique and beautiful person and avoid becoming rigid and conformist in your thinking (if any). You’ll be provided with rent free accommodation (starting at the two bedroom rate of Local Housing Allowance when your career is just starting out but up to £2,100 per month when you really start to produce) and a tax-free income for the rest of your productive life, and then some.

So what are you waiting for?

Visit The Stork and Gooseberry Bush’s Under-16s Nite where we’ll provide you with cheap vodka shots and enough potent Alco pops to make our charming resident staff of Darrens, Lees and Kevs - whose surnames you’ll never need to know – potent and briefly acceptable to you down in front of your mum’s plasma screen on a bed of celebrity magazines and kebab wrappers.

Warning: sometimes the filth raid the place and card the punters so make sure you bring one of your sister’s Child Benefit books and remember to use her name. Join the mummy army and get work for life.
www.onyyourbacknotyourbike.co.uk

Small Ads.

In debt? Have you lost up to £1,340,000,000,000 down the back of the sofa but there’s a big nasty spider down there? Now you can refinance easily and get off scot-free by using www.britishtaxpayersthenexttwogenerations.gov.uk

Clothe yourself, your latest boyfriend and your five oldest children for less than a week’s Child Benefit at www.tracksuits4U.com

Do you suffer from too much blood in your veins? Have you too few body orifices? Do you dread seeing your family at Christmas? Well, worry no more! Just stay in uniform and Ministry of Defence Procurement will make sure that nothing stands between you and life in a better world.

If you can’t find enough time to clean your moat or sell your publicly-financed houses to relatives at a paper loss because dreary old things like Magna Carta, national self-government and scrutinizing legislation just take up too much time, then simply subcontract your work to the European Union and you can get on with life.

The European Union: making MP’s lives simpler at no cost to themselves since 1973.

I stopped worrying about the high cost of stair lifts, hip replacements and funeral payment plans, noisy neighbours and intimidating young thugs hanging around Booth’s car park. Ask me how, or visit www.nhswillendallyourworriesrealsoon.org.uk

Oak is the new khaki

Comedy Scotsman Gordon Brown has finally squared the circle.

He has struck a much-needed balance between those universal prudent economic values shared by all hard-working families throughout Britain on the one hand, and the need to preserve important and valuable pieces of military equipment such as helicopters; body armour; both the Royal Navy's foreign fishermen's support vessels and, oh, those other things - what are they called again? Forget my own head if it wasn't screwed on...You know hard and brown on the outside, red and squishy inside.

Oh yes; servicemen.

Apparently the far-Right media such as the BBC and The Guardian have been spreading rumours that British ground troops are vulnerable to land mines and booby-traps which the Taliban are putting wherever they hope to lure them to walk or to drive in armoured vehicles - some of whose armour is so strong that it almost reaches TCCB-approved levels for helmets, pads and boxes for three-day matches.

It seems that the heavy tread of a fully-equipped British soldier concentrated on as small an area as a footprint or the weight of almost any motor vehicle is enough to set off these improvised explosive devices.

Since the new vehicles recently provided for the campaign have insufficient balance, they have a tendency to roll over and to crush some to their occupants under them.

Contrariwise, it is feared that any more helicopters which might be brought into Afghanistan might prove ever-more valuable targets for the Taliban if ever the Iranians and other foreign supporters provide them with anti-aircraft missiles.

What is needed therefore - and this is Mister Brown's stroke of genius - is a vehicle that is robust, spreads a soldier's weight over a much greater surface area and thus minimises the chances of detonating an IED, which is lightweight and cannot crush them, and which can operate under even low-level anti-aircraft fire.

X marks the blood

Friends, anonymous visitors, and cordial foes...

We’re many of us going to be busy tomorrow hoping that we’re doing the least bad thing.

Lest we despair and stay at home, let's remember the rude fellows and madmen who bought those pencil Xs we can choose to use or squander. They paid with their hearts' blood and their widows' tears, or else were Suffragettes and starved for their share and their daughters who wore this country's uniform to keep those X's real. Left or Right, they didn't seem to mind.

Let's also remember the neighbours who'll be missing from our home-towns tomorrow because they're keeping up the payments in the dust and the sand and the hills, because freedom is always rented and never owned freehold.

Though we are not well led, we should do the best we can to follow those absent friends with gratitude.

Vote proudly for their sake, if nothing else.

Small: far away. Small: far away.

From the Daily Mail.

‘Gordon Brown today rejected calls to allow thousands of Gurkha veterans to settle in the UK, saying Britain could not afford to give them all homes.

'For us to guarantee £1.4billion would be a very big sum indeed,' he said.

Mr Brown said his mind was open on the Gurkha issue, but that he was unable to meet their demands because there were public expenditure issues to consider.

He said: 'I respect the fact that this is a matter of great concern for everyone in the country.

'We have got a balance of responsibilities to those who have served our country with the finance that we need to be able to meet these obligations and not therefore base our offer on money we cannot afford.'

Expensive.

Expensive.

Expensive.

(Click picture to enrage.)
From Channel Four.

Or go to the Tax Payers’ Alliance site here.

Click on the picture link to The Gordon Brown Calculator.

Click on any of the numerals and then the = sign.

Then you’ll see ‘expensive.’

Not expensive...

…for us.

And the first duty of government is...? Click image for clue

...completely absent form the Government's own website front page.


Now, about those soggy red paper flowers messing up the local park...
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