No! No! The OTHER genius

Of course there’s silly: and then there's very silly, and then there’s utterly, profanely, running around outdoors and dancing in the street clad only in clingfilm, gravy and cornflakes abjectly, insultingly, ream-me-like-a-shower-block-bitch stupid.

David Miliband has called for a change of emphasis in strategy in Afghanistan, urging the country's government to talk to moderate members of the Taliban.

‘You hear that, Mo? The British Foreign Secretary wants to peel us away from our more hard-line co-religionists. Pass the wire cutters, please.’

‘It’s an interesting notion, Jawid. I myself am a moderate Taliban and wish only to stone rape victims to death on Tuesdays, Thursdays and alternate Sundays. Personally, I can’t stand the extremists in charge who just won’t lighten up. Now the masking tape, dear friend.’

Mr Miliband said the objectives of the UK's mission were clear but accepted the public "wanted to know whether and how we can succeed" in Afghanistan.

‘I’d surely like an answer to both questions myself. I’d be particularly pleased to be privy to the inner war councils of the British Government, because what they believe to be the ultimate outcome of this regrettable conflict may very well alter my actions as an AK-carrying member of the Slightly Militant Tendency. For example, if they believe that a mechanized counter-insurgency operation, led by special forces and supported by aviation assets and high-grade satellite intelligence will work in the long term, I might be inclined to move more into degrading the infidels’ tracked and wheeled vehicle fleet to force them to expensively re-equip. This strategy might also provide more time for our negotiators in the Swat Valley and representatives elsewhere Pakistan to acquire supplies of radioactives and atomic detonators – perhaps through forming part or all of the government of that moderate Muslim land. See the red fuse wire? Ah, thank you Mohammed, my expatriate friend.’

‘I couldn’t agree more, my non-extremist brother, Jawid. When I lived back in the Midlands (the historic industrial heartland of my parents’ host country my own native home of England), I only browsed to less-than Armageddon-inviting genocidal jihadist websites. And I swear by my Aston Villa tattoos that I mean to work on a massive civil reconstruction effort in a future infidel-free Afghanistan: concentrating mostly on public sanitation, street lighting, jobs training for our largely sadly unemployed youth who do not have privileged access to the opium trade, and discreetly exporting small numbers of advance technology products to England itself. I was thinking of Aldershot, Brize Norton, and a number of the South Coast ports, as well as the Faslane submarine base in Scotland. Of course, before I can achieve any of that I’ll need to moderately make sure that the women of Afghanistan and Pakistan are modestly dressed and safe from the hazards of paid employment, the rough mountain winds of this ancient but romantic place governed as it is by a loose confederacy of hill tribes and minor local potentates, and sunlight. And before that I’d like to know if the British government means to win at all. I must say I’m tempted to concentrate a bit more on killing UK servicemen for the effects on morale on the troops’ families and hence - through the system of godless politics called democracy - on the British government’s determination to see their crusade against us through.

Indeed, I would be minded to pursue such a grim but necessary course towards the greater good should Her Majesty's Government show weakened resolve or partial reservations about the justice and ultimate resolution of this regrettable conflict.

Now the main charge, please, and the casing.'

As part of this, Mr Miliband said current insurgents should be reintegrated into society and, in some cases, given a role in local and central government.

‘This too is a hopeful sign, Mohammed my friend. If I fail to find a post dealing with women's rights issues her in my native Afghanistan, I hope to receive a post somewhere in civil aviation – perhaps air traffic control or baggage handling at Heathrow Airport; provided of course that I can escape the steely net of the UK Border Agency and find such enjoyable work at a suitably low wage.’

He made a distinction between "hard-line ideologues" and Jihaddists within the Taliban and other groups who must be fought and defeated from those who could be "drawn into a political process".

I would certainly welcome a ceasefire during which I and my new brothers here in Afghanistan could remove from our countrymen those obstacles and distractions that keep them from recognising and cherishing our moderation – such inconveniences and burdens as superfluous limbs and sight organs and the pointless knowledge of their children’s exact whereabouts.

Pressure plate’s done.’

Those who had either been coerced or bribed into joining the insurgency could be engaged with if they disowned violence and respected the Afghan constitution, he said.

"These Afghans must have the option to choose a different course."

Earlier, International Development Secretary Douglas Alexander compared the move to the talks that brought an end to the conflict in Northern Ireland.

‘I understand that seats in the provincial government was what the Sinn Fein leaders required, plus the deputy leadership of that country and partial control over the civilian police, education, agriculture and rural development. All of which I can foresee us and our brothers using constructively to improve everyday life here in the short term and to engage more closely with opposition parties and enter into institutions of government once the Americans and British have taken their allies and armaments and our moderate leaders’ signatures and we can once more decide who rules according to our ancient customs.’

Mr Alexander, who is in Afghanistan, conceded that it was a "challenging" message for politicians to suggest when British troops were being killed in action.

He told BBC Radio 4's Today programme he had "confidence in the good judgment of the British people".

Mr Alexander added: "I think people recognise from the experience of places like Northern Ireland that it is necessary to put military pressure on the Taliban while at the same time holding out the prospect that there can be a political process that can follow."

‘Finished here, Jawid. Shall we find a useful spot to place this example of traditional craftsmanship where Mister Milliband’s underlings can find it all unexpected-like?

I do so enjoy being moderate.’

David Miliband’s foreign policy qualifications can be see here, and Douglas Alexander’s diplomatic and military career can be seen here.

Oak is the new khaki

Comedy Scotsman Gordon Brown has finally squared the circle.

He has struck a much-needed balance between those universal prudent economic values shared by all hard-working families throughout Britain on the one hand, and the need to preserve important and valuable pieces of military equipment such as helicopters; body armour; both the Royal Navy's foreign fishermen's support vessels and, oh, those other things - what are they called again? Forget my own head if it wasn't screwed on...You know hard and brown on the outside, red and squishy inside.

Oh yes; servicemen.

Apparently the far-Right media such as the BBC and The Guardian have been spreading rumours that British ground troops are vulnerable to land mines and booby-traps which the Taliban are putting wherever they hope to lure them to walk or to drive in armoured vehicles - some of whose armour is so strong that it almost reaches TCCB-approved levels for helmets, pads and boxes for three-day matches.

It seems that the heavy tread of a fully-equipped British soldier concentrated on as small an area as a footprint or the weight of almost any motor vehicle is enough to set off these improvised explosive devices.

Since the new vehicles recently provided for the campaign have insufficient balance, they have a tendency to roll over and to crush some to their occupants under them.

Contrariwise, it is feared that any more helicopters which might be brought into Afghanistan might prove ever-more valuable targets for the Taliban if ever the Iranians and other foreign supporters provide them with anti-aircraft missiles.

What is needed therefore - and this is Mister Brown's stroke of genius - is a vehicle that is robust, spreads a soldier's weight over a much greater surface area and thus minimises the chances of detonating an IED, which is lightweight and cannot crush them, and which can operate under even low-level anti-aircraft fire.