Smurf City UK

On Wednesday I ranted thoughtfully about James Cameron’s film Avatar, with its blue-skinned primitives living in trees in a world bereft of manufacturing industry on any level above the bead necklace and spear trades that are so vital for Britain’s economic recovery.

All of which is, I believe, not entirely unthinkable to our very own Cameron here at the Hometree itself.

This is from our next Prime Minister:

With our energy supplies increasingly sourced overseas, and with urgent action needed to combat climate change, it’s time to rethink the way we supply and consume energy in Britain. We urgently need to move to a low carbon economy in order to strengthen our economy, help guarantee our energy security and protect our environment for future generations.

So that’s goodbye to oil, coal, and gas for the United Kingdom.

(Or Gorastan as it will be called if Mister Cameron’s social liberalism continues to meet his foreign policy based on ‘conflict resolution’ and snuggling up to the Gulf, North Africa and Latin America. “Say, you Jewish chaps, what’s the big beef with your Muslim neighbours anyway? Can’t we all sit down with a glass of Chablis and some dim sum and sort it all out?” Or, “Hola, Comrade Chavez!”)

I know.

We’ll use all those other Green-approved energy technologies to power our homes, cars and workplaces instead. I don’t mean anything clinically insane like nuclear power but - you know - technology that really works, like waterwheels, windmills and anything we might discover while using our Metalunan interocitors.

And

Quality of life and environmental issues must be at the heart of politics – which is why we have pledged to improve Britain's environment by working towards zero waste, providing incentives to recycle, encouraging sustainable water management, and taking action to help our wildlife.

Britain is struggling to cope with mountains of waste. We will introduce a new approach, one which minimises waste and promotes recycling. A Conservative government will introduce a Responsibility Deal on waste – a voluntary arrangement among producers to cut back on the production of waste and improve its disposal. We will put a floor under landfill tax until 2020 to give businesses long term certainty to invest in new forms of waste disposal and we will encourage councils to adopt a scheme which gives incentives to families that recycle.

Aside from the implicitly totalitarian idea that someone in a suit in London can decide for me what my quality of life should be and that he can deliver it via the organs of government (however voluntaty), I’d have thought that The Queen’s Peace, The Rule of Law, The British Constitution should be at the heart of politics for a conservative or, for our friends across the Pond: Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness. Or for their northern neighbours and our dear cousins: La Vie, La Hockey, and la pursuit of government finance for unwatchable films that Jim Carrey wouldn’t be seen dead in.

Hereafter, our few remaining manufacturers and our many, many food-delivering and mortgage-denying service industries will be invited to voluntarily make their lives more difficult and/or their products more expensive for their customers at a time of - and I don’t want to go beyond the pale here and say anything unmannerly about the Labour Party – national financial fragility. But that’s what this far-sighted goose-chase after ‘voluntary’ regulation means because by implication what they’re saying is: Nice little business you’ve got here, squire. Wouldn’t want anything statutory to happen to it, Guv, now would we?

Presumably all that photocopying paper for the umpty-hundred-thousand Diversity Coordinators the Tories won’t be making redundant and the cardboard files that no-one reads because the social workers (whom the Tories won’t be asking to distinguish between respectable churchgoers and drug-addicted perpetual benefit claimants) never let anyone else look at will be made from recycled McDonalds wrappers and delivered to City Hall and County Hall by Clydesdale-pulled carts in future? Save us from the killer egg cartons it will, young Skywalker.

Good thinking, that man. That should save a few billion pounds and make some lumberjacks unemployed.

Or, for the truly serious-minded, how about this for The Countryside?

They need a government that works with them, not against them. So we will…: Press for reforms to the Common Agricultural Policy which reflect the importance we attach to the environment, the long-term sustainability of UK farming and the relief of global poverty;

Because pressing for CAP reform has always worked well so far, hasn’t it?

I love ze smell of camion-loads of breetish lamb in ze matin – it smells communitaire.

Cute., fluffy and non-confrontational positive Europeans such as Camerons’s Tory party will be able to make friends on the Continent and persuade the French, German and Irish farmers to cut their own subsidy-stream with every bit as much success as the apologetic and conciliatory Obama has had in persuading the Iranian government and the Russians to slow down their arms races against the West.

And this:

Our agenda for Rural Action will:

Respect rural people by giving rural communities a voice to decide their own future and only seek to regulate where self-regulation fails;

I for one just can’t wait to see how rural communities will be regulated, if not by law and custom, I mean.

Give power to rural communities, by shifting power and decision-making to communities, so that people have a genuine say over the matters that affect them locally;

If this is intended to be a boost for the power of parish councils, then I’m for it.

I’ve long been in favour of allowing the parishes to operate their own internal security, to enforce by-laws and customs using methods up to and including whipping-posts and the pillory, and to conduct low-intensity conventional warfare against their County Council, but I fear that this is not the case.

Given Cameron’s conciliation of left-wing ideas and his habit of parachuting former (i.e. recent) Labour and Liberal Democrat activists into the Conservative Party, and bearing in mind how almost all local government is mismanaged these days, I’d say that matters that affect them locally are likely to be local squabbles about who gets the fine money extracted from householders who mix rubbish types together instead of strictly segregating them.

Our country is billions of pounds in the red with its unfunded State retirement and its public sector employee pensions, and its private finance debts as well as the official public, personal and institutional debt alike. I’m all for the little platoons and all that, but doesn’t he know there’s a world war on? This is just all so glib and unserious, combining the utterly trivial with sweeping promises that UK government has no longer power to enforce thanks to our surrender to ‘our partners.’

So it’s back to the temperate coniferous forests and mixed and broadleaf woodlands for England, Wales, Northern Ireland and southern Scotland and to the Boreal Forest for the far north, and those peaceful and strangely rare blue-skinned natives skipping from tree to tree forage for nuts, roots and berries are, I think, intended to be the Conservative Britons of the Third Millennium.

I’m all for turning the clocks back, God knows.

But back to the Picts?

Picture from here.

Had their chips?

Ministers deny salt supply crisis
Salt in Aberdeen
More than 4,000 tonnes of salt arrived by ship at Aberdeen harbour

Ministers have insisted there are "very substantial" supplies of salt and grit for Scotland's roads as some councils say they are running low.

Fife Council said it had run out of supplies before several tonnes arrived on Monday afternoon.

In Renfrewshire, only major roads were being treated to conserve stocks and authorities in the Highlands were expecting a salt delivery on Tuesday.

The finance secretary said there were delivery issues but salt was available.


Given the Soviet-style attitude of our government; its massive overspending on wealth-destroying bureaucracy and in hiring permanent Labour voting blocs by creating whole classes of placemen; oh, and its attitude to honesty, I'd say that the BBC's moral-boosting photo here is likely to be a stock shot.
Which means that the land of the deep-fried Mars Bar might be experiencing vinegar-only chips for some time.

Dammit, even Stalin didn't run out of salt, and for obvious reasons.

Do you think the government could clear our icy roads of all this global warming with ASBOs?

Brock-up: a clarification

Let me make myself perfectly clear.

The theft and internet publication of some emails that I have sent over the years to colleagues from the Paranoia Research Unit of the Tartan Thermos Department within Sunday Express University’s prestigious Faculty of Nostalgia were not only criminal acts and a violation of my civil rights but also might prove to be highly misleading if they fell into the wrong hands; as indeed they have.

‘The wrong hands’ in this case being anyone else’s but mine and those of a small coterie of highly-qualified extremist Xenophobes and social reactionaries.

Alas, not everyone is as ethical as we independent and dispassionate Right Wing political commentators are, and many of our unscrupulous and mendacious enemies have misrepresented these innocent materials to cast doubt on the unquestionable existence of a sinister and all-powerful worldwide cabal of Jews; Muslims; Frenchmen; Americans; Greeks; Turks; bankers; trade unionists; accordion players and Macaulay Culkin. Without understanding the subtle nuances that we authentic conservatives bring to the world in the form of The Light of the One and Only Truly True Truth, some of my mails may seem rather harsh and partisan (and not a little dishonest!) to the ignorant outsider; who turns out to be pretty much everyone else in the world.

Let me put my naïve readers’ minds at rest now with some context and explanation.

The most often quoted (and most misleading) email is the one in which the following words appear: “I fully intend to go down to Ten Downing Street and give Gordon Brown a badger enema.” Respectable froth-lipped ultra nationalists like me know that this isn’t to be taken literally. It’s a technical term for indicating one’s intention to send a strongly-worded letter of complaint to The Times.

Nor should the (admittedly unequivocal-seeming and pungent-sounding) phrase “I’m going to shove it up him so far he’ll be able to shave with his tonsils” be used to defame my forthright, accurate and incontrovertible opinions concerning the existence of the Secret Masters who rule our world from their top secret headquarters under the Vatican. It simply means that I have sincere reservations about the current administration’s macro-economic management and their unpatriotic relationship with the gnomes of Zurich, the elves of Reykjavik, and the deadly, mollusc-spitting leprechauns of Dublin.

I shan’t waste any more time repeating my earlier clarification of the perfectly innocent sentence: “And if he smiles that smug, just-boffed-his-sister smile that always cracks his face when he talks about the Lisbon Treaty, then it’s going up live, sideways, and coated with mustard.” If you don’t understand that it refers to putting up the Christmas decorations in the Senior Common Room by now…Well, then you’ll just never believe me.

Critics of the universal truth that moral and political perfection lie exclusively with the English middle classes of yesteryear have this week been making hay with my well-meant and accurate discussions of affairs of state. I can take the criticism personally with a bitter laugh at the calumnies of lesser men. (It’s my gentle modesty that prevents my genius becoming monstrous.) What I don’t want is the gutter press and the Internet taking these things so far out of their social and professional context that irreparable harm may come to the vital project of real conservatives everywhere – which is the mandatory and permanent return of the whole world to the manners and morals; the political and constitutional arrangements and the fashions and popular culture of the 1950s and the early 1960s.

Most hurtful of all is the allegation that the expression “And I’m going falsify evidence to make it look like the Liberal Democrats did it,” somehow implies that my intent was to mislead or otherwise disguise the truth. In fact, nothing could be further from the truth. Liberal Democrats have an important part to play in the inevitable return to the Old World Order, which is to sit forever on the Opposition benches in the House of Commons.

Try as they might, the enemies of sobriety and decency simply must not be allowed to get away with all this cheap point-scoring and the inference of spiteful intentions within my wholesome and staid words. The stakes are far too high for these irrational and malevolent forces to be given the merest iota of credibility.

Our programme must go on for life on Earth both to survive and to be worthwhile at all.

Let me remind you of its essential points;

# Men’s hair is to be decently short and women’s to be decently permed and bobbed.

# A worldwide programme must be set up to tarmac all lay-bys and roadside lunching areas to allow the safe and stable placement of folding chairs.

# Tax exempt status must be place on for all DIY goods and they must be properly renamed 'ironmongery' and 'plumbers’ supplies'.

# The immediate worldwide scrapping of all family cars which do not have substantial amounts of timber trim that contain at least as many varieties of rare and endangered tropical hard-woods as a social worker’s earring collection.

# All high performance and leisure motorcars are to carry the brand name Triumph and must be painted exclusively in British Racing Green or pillar-box red.

# All US television shows are to be banned except for the original Bewitched and I Dream of Jeannie which showcase to this day the finest period in American social history and which set a good example to the little ladies of how gracious life once was when they knew their place.

# Compulsory attendance at an act of Anglican worship on every Sunday is to be fit in between motor car polishing and a visit to the pub whilst the womenfolk prepare the roast.

# The elevation to the hereditary peerage of any Briton who believes that Home Alone is either an Italian mortgage or a folk song about a seafood-selling prostitute in Ireland’s capital city.

Don’t let the nostalgia sceptics end our cravatted and corduroyed stroll back to suburban greatness and rectitude. The narrow-mindedness is settled.

Gormless Buffy strikes again

Supernatural

Vampire menace

Van Helsing: Vampire menace deniers are 'flat-earthers'

Economist Abraham Van Helsing warns of 'absolute lunacy' of do-nothing approach of Czech president Václav Klaus and fellow vampire menace sceptics

Moony Sundial

durngaia.co.uk, Tuesday 10 March 2009 11.45 GMT

Vampire menace deniers are "ridiculous" and akin to "flat-earthers", according to Sir Abraham Van Helsing, who advised the government about the supernatural threat posed by teenage virginity. The respected economist compared vampirism naysayers to those who deny the link between smoking and cancer or HIV and Aids in the face of mounting scientific evidence.

Van Helsing — who prepared his influential report to the UK Treasury in 2007 at Gordon Brown's request — said the evidence that virginity-induced vampire menace was occurring was "crystal clear".

"If you look at all the serious theologians in the world, there is no big disagreement on the basics of this ... it would be absolute lunacy to act as if vampire menace is not occurring," he said.

His comments came in response to news that the Czech president Václav Klaus would this week attend a New York conference of vampire menace naysayers from around the world. Van Helsing said Klaus was "totally confused on this issue" and liked to "gather rather confused people around him".

The US-based Heartland Institute, which had been funded by The Girl Guides until 2006, launched its gathering of more than 70 participants in an event entitled ‘Vampire invasion: Was it ever really a crisis?'

Lord Van Helsing addressed a large conference in London yesterday, organised by the Department for Eternal Defence, where he said the battle against virginity and the management of the vampire menace were the "two great challenges of the 21st century".

"We know that the virgin population rates are rising. And we know the [global] death rate is rising. We can look back through burial data and see over 800,000 years, relationships between numbers of teenage virgins and the death rates of the world," he told the Durngaia.

"So those people who deny the importance of vampire menace are just wasting their time. They're also being diversionary because if we don't act the risks are enormous."

Asked if the public debate on the issue was being won, he said: "Those who say that vampire menace doesn't exist are being understood as the flat-earthers that they are, as the people who deny the link between smoking and cancer, as the people who denied the link between HIV and AIDS.

"They are marginal and they are ridiculous. And they are very confused."

He admitted that while some time still had to be spent dealing with "the silly arguments that [deniers] put", discussions around the world had moved on and were focused on the details of "reducing teenage virginity and managing the impact of the vampire menace".

His comments will be bolstered this week by President Barack Obama's directive that American government agencies should pick advisers based on expertise, not political ideology. The move was hailed by theologians who felt the previous administration had filled agencies with supporters who shared George Bush's scepticism about the vampire menace.

In 2007 a US committee on oversight and government reform published a report documenting systematic efforts "to censor theologians by controlling their access to the press and editing testimony to Congress" by the Bush administration.

Home.

You know with this mind-set there’s really only the same kind of future planned for our young people.