EU, UN & CO2phobia kill British jobs; official

In the unlikely event you didn't read it in the original or yesterday on Biased BBC, the European Union's emission trading scheme and the UN's Clean Development Mechanism are ending 1,700 jobs jobs here in Britain.

1,700 British families are now looking bleakly at an insecure Christmas because the political class, the lunatic greens, our 'national broadcaster', the United Dhimmis and 'the colleagues' have decided to save the increasing polar bear population and enrich the Indian steel industry.

I'm guessing it'll be the last straw for some 'hard working families.'

Way to go, our political leaders.

Brock-up: a clarification

Let me make myself perfectly clear.

The theft and internet publication of some emails that I have sent over the years to colleagues from the Paranoia Research Unit of the Tartan Thermos Department within Sunday Express University’s prestigious Faculty of Nostalgia were not only criminal acts and a violation of my civil rights but also might prove to be highly misleading if they fell into the wrong hands; as indeed they have.

‘The wrong hands’ in this case being anyone else’s but mine and those of a small coterie of highly-qualified extremist Xenophobes and social reactionaries.

Alas, not everyone is as ethical as we independent and dispassionate Right Wing political commentators are, and many of our unscrupulous and mendacious enemies have misrepresented these innocent materials to cast doubt on the unquestionable existence of a sinister and all-powerful worldwide cabal of Jews; Muslims; Frenchmen; Americans; Greeks; Turks; bankers; trade unionists; accordion players and Macaulay Culkin. Without understanding the subtle nuances that we authentic conservatives bring to the world in the form of The Light of the One and Only Truly True Truth, some of my mails may seem rather harsh and partisan (and not a little dishonest!) to the ignorant outsider; who turns out to be pretty much everyone else in the world.

Let me put my naïve readers’ minds at rest now with some context and explanation.

The most often quoted (and most misleading) email is the one in which the following words appear: “I fully intend to go down to Ten Downing Street and give Gordon Brown a badger enema.” Respectable froth-lipped ultra nationalists like me know that this isn’t to be taken literally. It’s a technical term for indicating one’s intention to send a strongly-worded letter of complaint to The Times.

Nor should the (admittedly unequivocal-seeming and pungent-sounding) phrase “I’m going to shove it up him so far he’ll be able to shave with his tonsils” be used to defame my forthright, accurate and incontrovertible opinions concerning the existence of the Secret Masters who rule our world from their top secret headquarters under the Vatican. It simply means that I have sincere reservations about the current administration’s macro-economic management and their unpatriotic relationship with the gnomes of Zurich, the elves of Reykjavik, and the deadly, mollusc-spitting leprechauns of Dublin.

I shan’t waste any more time repeating my earlier clarification of the perfectly innocent sentence: “And if he smiles that smug, just-boffed-his-sister smile that always cracks his face when he talks about the Lisbon Treaty, then it’s going up live, sideways, and coated with mustard.” If you don’t understand that it refers to putting up the Christmas decorations in the Senior Common Room by now…Well, then you’ll just never believe me.

Critics of the universal truth that moral and political perfection lie exclusively with the English middle classes of yesteryear have this week been making hay with my well-meant and accurate discussions of affairs of state. I can take the criticism personally with a bitter laugh at the calumnies of lesser men. (It’s my gentle modesty that prevents my genius becoming monstrous.) What I don’t want is the gutter press and the Internet taking these things so far out of their social and professional context that irreparable harm may come to the vital project of real conservatives everywhere – which is the mandatory and permanent return of the whole world to the manners and morals; the political and constitutional arrangements and the fashions and popular culture of the 1950s and the early 1960s.

Most hurtful of all is the allegation that the expression “And I’m going falsify evidence to make it look like the Liberal Democrats did it,” somehow implies that my intent was to mislead or otherwise disguise the truth. In fact, nothing could be further from the truth. Liberal Democrats have an important part to play in the inevitable return to the Old World Order, which is to sit forever on the Opposition benches in the House of Commons.

Try as they might, the enemies of sobriety and decency simply must not be allowed to get away with all this cheap point-scoring and the inference of spiteful intentions within my wholesome and staid words. The stakes are far too high for these irrational and malevolent forces to be given the merest iota of credibility.

Our programme must go on for life on Earth both to survive and to be worthwhile at all.

Let me remind you of its essential points;

# Men’s hair is to be decently short and women’s to be decently permed and bobbed.

# A worldwide programme must be set up to tarmac all lay-bys and roadside lunching areas to allow the safe and stable placement of folding chairs.

# Tax exempt status must be place on for all DIY goods and they must be properly renamed 'ironmongery' and 'plumbers’ supplies'.

# The immediate worldwide scrapping of all family cars which do not have substantial amounts of timber trim that contain at least as many varieties of rare and endangered tropical hard-woods as a social worker’s earring collection.

# All high performance and leisure motorcars are to carry the brand name Triumph and must be painted exclusively in British Racing Green or pillar-box red.

# All US television shows are to be banned except for the original Bewitched and I Dream of Jeannie which showcase to this day the finest period in American social history and which set a good example to the little ladies of how gracious life once was when they knew their place.

# Compulsory attendance at an act of Anglican worship on every Sunday is to be fit in between motor car polishing and a visit to the pub whilst the womenfolk prepare the roast.

# The elevation to the hereditary peerage of any Briton who believes that Home Alone is either an Italian mortgage or a folk song about a seafood-selling prostitute in Ireland’s capital city.

Don’t let the nostalgia sceptics end our cravatted and corduroyed stroll back to suburban greatness and rectitude. The narrow-mindedness is settled.

A taste of Paradise

Last Wednesday night a police car stopped beside me as I parked outside my home. I could get out but his passenger window was open and the officer inside told me to

‘Get into your car and put the headlights on,’ which I did. ‘And now walk to the front of the car.’

I obeyed, and one of the headlights was broken. News to me. Well, I never.

‘Oh,’ I said, all citizenly.

‘Get it sorted,’ came the voice from a now disappearing patrol car.

Well, they can’t say Mind how you go, sir, anymore, can they?

Thursday evening after work (I walk to work, so no driving for me between then and now) I picked up a replacement bulb from Halfords and, after a mere twenty minutes of staring upside down at my oil-stained Haynes through fog-obscured spectacles and with a spelunking lamp strapped to my skull, plus acquiring some sore knuckles, and the artistic deployment of three distinctive and ever-popular Anglo-Saxon verbs later, my offside headlight was as good as, well,… as good as that on any car that was made in Britain in the past twenty years and is affordable by the likes of me can be.

Then it was back into the house for dinner and a DVD with Mrs. NW, ignoring the fireworks and the piteous howling of the dog from next door.

Next day, I drove back from the gym and parked the car and my next-door neighbour asked me if I’ve had a bump.

‘No,’ I said, ‘Why?’

‘Because you had a lot of coppers looking at it yesterday,’ he said, ‘They were all from a big van, and they were looking closely at your car.’ That would be Thursday the day after the first copper pointed my headlight problem out.

This Monday night I put the recycling out. Three oblong plastic boxes with flat lids: one for plastic; one for paper and metal; one for cardboard and glass.

This process involves picking up each box lid and pouring the rain off it onto the yard’s concrete (we keep the boxes outside because they’re too big and dirty to keep in the kitchen or the living room or to drag them up from the cellar, see?), then replacing it and carrying the box to the front door ready to take out and put on the pavement. Repeat twice, but remember to lock the back door on your way with Box Number Three in case the local welfare recipients decide to nip in while I’m at the front to pick up any unconsidered trifles, etc.

On the Tuesday afternoon I got home and the boxes were empty, except for the plastic-recycling one, in which a number of punnets for small tomatoes and a box for cheese spread still lies, all unwanted. I reversed the process with the added fun of lifting the plastic box to the top of the wheelie-bin into which non-recyclable waste is usually placed and collected fortnightly, alternating with the recycling collection, and tipping what the picky recyclers have left into that one.

This Tuesday morning I drove to a training course which was held in a well-known local government building situated a mere conventional Hamas rocket flight from Castle City. It’s a nice building: comfortable and well maintained, and in its lobby area were numerous leaflets on health and safety and anti-Racism and other services that local democracy provides. There’s also a wall covered with photo portraits of successive mayors and a display case containing awards and certificates: for recycling local waste; for Investors In People; for energy efficiency: and a scale model tank presented to its home council by the local regiment.

It was too cold to be comfortable all day. Throughout the day-long training course we all wore our fleeces and pullovers, and most of us kept our coats on, too. The toilets were gloomy because the lights were set to off unless you insistently pressed the on-switch with a bit of heft behind your shoulder. It was a relief to get back into my car, whack the heating on full, and drive back to Castle City and the unwanted tomato punnets and the lonely Dairylea container.

This is all political.

This is also utterly unnecessary.

There is no need for policemen to be rude, patronizing bullies who order people around without a ‘please or ‘thank you,’ - let alone the formerly universal ‘sir’ I’d have expected only ten years ago. How hard can it be to say ‘Your left headlight’s not working, sir, please fix it before you drive at night again’? I don’t know what they hoped to achieve sending a large van full of police in broad daylight to check my car, unless it was formerly owned by a gangster, or they were hoping to find something wrong that’s towable or finable. It’s not a pretty vehicle, but it goes and I maintain its safety systems as well as its going places systems – until a bulb goes, and then I replace it. The police are busy, it seems, throwing their weight around with harmless people in their sights. I’d love to know what they were all doing the 10 nights to date when my car has been vandalized in six years of parking on this street. In all that time I got one cop car suggesting we install cameras, two plastic PCs (of whom one though tit funny me replacing my wandering wing mirror in the rain) and one Saturday morning an actual SOCO who found nowt, bless her, but she did finger-print the thing. I no longer look forward to speaking to the police confident in the belief that I’ll be treated politely and listened to as I once did. Some officers certainly put their lives and health on the line – and I’m grateful for that – but rudeness and not being interested in ‘minor crimes’ at the same time? Not encouraging.

Parliament is in charge of the overall police system and there are political appointees on all the County constabularies’ Police Committees. I guess Parliament and the political appointees aren’t doing their jobs properly in letting this deterioration happen. I hope that they aren’t doing their jobs properly, that is.

Britain’s full of holes in the ground to put domestic rubbish in - old quarries and mines and modern incinerators now burn so hot that much waste can be rendered harmless by them. Instead, we have to recycle. I’m pretty fit and healthy for my age, what with the swimming and the dancing and all, but I have mild arthritis in my knees and fingers. Kneeling down and standing up to sort rubbish into different bins in cold or rain or hail or high winds or whatever is not a comfortable experience, and I pity seriously disabled or doddery old people who have to carry these stinking bins through their homes because the recycler lorry crews don’t come up the ginnels at the back of our terraces – unlike the wheelie-bin people. Do Greens ever wonder how nasty it is for the old and the infirm to have to go through these Gaian rituals weekly or more often? And who asked for this silly regime other than the politicians? Others agree, whilst some hold onto their communitarian dream of universal obedience to the gods of eco-religion – see the comments to this post.

Politicians have decreed that recycling is good and that its opposite should be criminalized, and so there goes privacy.

I got to spend an uncomfortable day in a poorly-heated council building because the council concerned wanted to ‘reduce carbon emission’ in order to protect ‘the planet’ from the global warming of a world that’s actually getting colder. The politicians and the politicians alone have the power to keep us deliberately uncomfortable. I’m all for thrift, and especially so in the public sector where I work, and I imagine that the idea of chilling or even freezing people who volunteer to work in the whacky world of benefits is actually alluring to some of my readers, but putting your employees and guests into rooms like old-style cold-slab pantries? Isn't that actually rather cruel, and what the trade unions are supposed to fight against?

Back in 1997 I dreaded the imminent arrival of the New Labour project; expecting it to represent every kind of foolishness made flesh as decades of Left-wing, State-worshipping grudges were transformed into policy to build their heaven on earth. I expected that they would, and was not disappointed that they did bankrupt the public finances and I expected that their reign would basically be like living in a student union all year round.

But if you’d told me that after twelve years of them being in power I’d find myself: nervous of the attentions of British policemen in the hours of darkness; forced to scrabble about in the dark and rain with my household garbage; and be physically chilled on purpose by their local satraps, I’d have laughed in your face.

Welcome to Paradise.

Let’s destroy it.