Wimoweh

Perfect.

This is a perfect cameo of life in today’s Britain.

It’s got it all, really.

There’s the gormless-looking thief who obviously has no fear of apprehension and punishment (and who can say how many ‘second chances’ this vulnerable individual has been given to overcome the unfortunate circumstances f his birth and upbringing) stealing security equipment full-face to the camera. There’s little hope he has much to fear the Law feeling his collar anytime soon.

Then there’s his appearance. Sure, there’s the underclass uniform of peaked cap and crinkly tracksuit, though you’ll notice from the film that his fresh-faced apprentice has the dopey knit cap that is for the trainee jobbing chavs of today the equivalent of the classic propeller beanie.

But as for his missing teeth (no doubt the result of the wonderfully authentic and spontaneous life of restraint and mediation that he lives between stealing cameras live); somehow he seems to have missed out on the wonderful chances of ‘free’ dentistry which our envy-of-the-world-even-in-all-the-countries-that-don’t-copy-it-at-all-which-is-all-of-them National Health Service will have provided for the many (or possibly just one) periods of unemployment that he will have endured. To just not care – to not mind that you look extra ugly – where’s the self-respect? How does he expect to attract the affections of the opposite (?) sex? Or is that a battered and fierce appearance offer him some underclass cachet – a badge of pride that he’s been in fights, or a mask to intimidate would-be resistance out of future victims?

And there’s the fact that the police don’t know him and therefore haven’t nicked him. I’m sure that the police are more efficient now that they rely on centralized control and websites and anonymous phone numbers and call centres, but I thought that the great strength and pride of the British Police was that they knew their home towns and lived in them and knew about and recognised all the local ‘villains?’ Are there just so many such scrotes that they can’t keep count? I guess so.

And there seems to be reason to believe that someone is prepared to buy stolen security cameras and use them. What manner of end-user is that?

Crime has always been with us as laziness, greed, and a tendency to disobey society’s laws seem to be ineradicable parts of the human conditions, but Sweet Lord!, this is just one unremarkable and probably doomed to be unpunished ice shard in a an avalanche of lawlessness and absence of respect for anything and anyone.

So our country has gone from the policeman of the world, bringing law, science and industry to the four corners of the Earth, and which founded several other decent, great and peace-loving nations to stand against the evils of despotism, poverty and ignorance, to land where a man can confidently expect to remain free and to profit from stealing a security camera.

May I humbly suggest and new National Anthem for Britain?

In the jungle, the mighty jungle,

The lion sleeps tonight.

Start spreadin' the news

“New York, New York, it’s hell of a town.”

“Chicago: my kind of town.”

“Maybe it’s because I’m a Londoner.”

“Sweet Home Alabama.”

“Stockport.”

Stockport?

Stockport?

STOCKPORT!

Yep. Afeared that I’ve been concentrating too much on the disgusting stuff going on in Lancashire and ignoring all the rest of my home region, I thought I’d look at how things were faring elsewhere in the North West, and naturally I thought of Stockport; glittering city of Cheshire and the old stomping ground of my social conservative pal way back when I was a starry-eyed libertarian. Man how I irritated that poor chap! But see, I came right in the end, huh?

Now, once upon a time the late and lovely Frankie Vaughan, the British Dean Martin, had this big Broadway-sounding New York New York showbiz song about his home town of Stockport, and here are the lyrics to prove it.

The Stockport Express is a rich hunting ground for the evil that men do, as well as the good, and just for once I’d like to introduce a topic in a cheerful and unfamiliar way by coining the headline that the paper didn’t use:

British Court Gets It Right.

'Happy slap' sadist locked up

Vanessa Cornall September 08, 2009

A TEENAGE thug who took part in the torture of two boys for a `happy slap' video posted on YouTube has been locked up.

Ricardo Poli, who was 17 when `torture house' was filmed, was branded 'inhuman' by a judge who sentenced him to more than four years in a young offenders' institution.

Judge Bernard Lever QC told Poli: "This was simply about public humiliation. It was not only humiliating but sadistic.

"I think it was about power and the feeling of demeaning a fellow human being. Extraordinarily, the motivation behind all of this was so the defendant could post a video on YouTube."
In the 49-second video, Poli, of Eldercroft Road, Timperley, is one of a five-strong gang who subject two 15-year-old boys to a terrifying ordeal at a disused office building in Wood Street, Altrincham.

Manchester Crown Court heard the boys' hands were bound behind their backs, their feet tied together and they were stripped from the waist down.
One of the boys was also seen being horrifically attacked with a broom handle.
The video was found on Poli's mobile phone by police after his arrest for possession of an illegal firearm.

Michael Leeming, defending, said: "Mr Poli did not have the best upbringing.
"He spent most of his childhood moving around different foster homes. His dad is a drug addict, and he has no contact with his birth mother and the only rock he had in his life was his grandmother, and she died when he was 14.
"He has asked me to ask if he can be sent to a young offender's institution away from here so he can try and change his life."

Now you could pick holes in that for a year and a day but, mirabile dictu, the authorities, I mean the actual authorities who are all paid and trained and everything to help peaceable people not have their lives ruined by monstrous wasters only actually went and did their actual job, didn’t they?

Det Con Barry Conway, of Trafford police, said: "The two young victims were extremely frightened.
"They had no idea how that dreadful attack was going to end and they must have feared the worst.
"What happened to them was shocking and, to add to their degradation, they were filmed on a mobile phone for Poli's warped gratification.
"Poli is a violent bully whose behaviour towards those younger boys was absolutely despicable."

Poli, now 18, pleaded guilty to possessing a sawn-off shotgun, false imprisonment and common assault.

He was sentenced to four years and four months.

Judge Lever said: "It's no wonder the victims did not want to help with the prosecution's case. Not only did they have to put up with being stripped and bullied, they had to come to terms with being humiliated in the community they live in, by knowing that video got out. It was utterly demeaning and inhuman behaviour.
"I warn you and your friends and associates, stay a million miles away from weapons like this."

Well okay, four years and four months is not long time, but it’s four years and four months during which Poli won’t be loose hurting other people. He won’t be on the lam from probation officers who never see him, or ignoring an ASBO he laughs at, and he’ll be under some kind of adult supervision. And even though he’ll likely not serve his full term, his next and probably unluckier victims (who would have come on the scene if he’s gotten away with a ‘walker’ on this one) have another couple of years to live and possibly be happy. Who knows? And he didn’t walk like this scrote to do harm eleswhere.

It’s a small victory in the culture wars, and should be celebrated,

Take it away, Frankie!