Friday, 24 April 2009

Gormless Buffy strikes again


Vampire menace

Van Helsing: Vampire menace deniers are 'flat-earthers'

Economist Abraham Van Helsing warns of 'absolute lunacy' of do-nothing approach of Czech president Václav Klaus and fellow vampire menace sceptics

Moony Sundial, Tuesday 10 March 2009 11.45 GMT

Vampire menace deniers are "ridiculous" and akin to "flat-earthers", according to Sir Abraham Van Helsing, who advised the government about the supernatural threat posed by teenage virginity. The respected economist compared vampirism naysayers to those who deny the link between smoking and cancer or HIV and Aids in the face of mounting scientific evidence.

Van Helsing — who prepared his influential report to the UK Treasury in 2007 at Gordon Brown's request — said the evidence that virginity-induced vampire menace was occurring was "crystal clear".

"If you look at all the serious theologians in the world, there is no big disagreement on the basics of this ... it would be absolute lunacy to act as if vampire menace is not occurring," he said.

His comments came in response to news that the Czech president Václav Klaus would this week attend a New York conference of vampire menace naysayers from around the world. Van Helsing said Klaus was "totally confused on this issue" and liked to "gather rather confused people around him".

The US-based Heartland Institute, which had been funded by The Girl Guides until 2006, launched its gathering of more than 70 participants in an event entitled ‘Vampire invasion: Was it ever really a crisis?'

Lord Van Helsing addressed a large conference in London yesterday, organised by the Department for Eternal Defence, where he said the battle against virginity and the management of the vampire menace were the "two great challenges of the 21st century".

"We know that the virgin population rates are rising. And we know the [global] death rate is rising. We can look back through burial data and see over 800,000 years, relationships between numbers of teenage virgins and the death rates of the world," he told the Durngaia.

"So those people who deny the importance of vampire menace are just wasting their time. They're also being diversionary because if we don't act the risks are enormous."

Asked if the public debate on the issue was being won, he said: "Those who say that vampire menace doesn't exist are being understood as the flat-earthers that they are, as the people who deny the link between smoking and cancer, as the people who denied the link between HIV and AIDS.

"They are marginal and they are ridiculous. And they are very confused."

He admitted that while some time still had to be spent dealing with "the silly arguments that [deniers] put", discussions around the world had moved on and were focused on the details of "reducing teenage virginity and managing the impact of the vampire menace".

His comments will be bolstered this week by President Barack Obama's directive that American government agencies should pick advisers based on expertise, not political ideology. The move was hailed by theologians who felt the previous administration had filled agencies with supporters who shared George Bush's scepticism about the vampire menace.

In 2007 a US committee on oversight and government reform published a report documenting systematic efforts "to censor theologians by controlling their access to the press and editing testimony to Congress" by the Bush administration.


You know with this mind-set there’s really only the same kind of future planned for our young people.

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