1 is 1 and all alone…

   Ghastly, mawkish Yorkshiremen’s community leaders proclaimed their concerns today at the prospect of a worldwide backlash following revelations that jewellery-bedecked, cigar-smoking, Tarzan-yodelling marathon runner Sir Jimmy Savile may have sexually abused a number of young women during a long and distinguished career as a disc jockey and favourite family broadcaster.  

   “There’s a climate of fear throughout the Yorkshire community as a result of sensational, irresponsible reporting of allegations about a single individual who is not alive to answer them,” complained the national spokesman of the Yorkshire human rights group Ah'll sithee Obadiah Tattershall, today. “The press has exaggerated unproven allegations against a single, possibly troubled individual and used them to tar the rest of us with the same brush. Throughout the length and breadth of Britain and beyond, glittering track-suited poseurs are being met with disdainful looks and abusive language bordering on pogroms. This totally goes against our deserved worldwide reputation as energetic charity workers, supporters of (our own) widowed mothers and as tireless collectors of really, really tasteful bracelets. After all the contributions we have made to the culture of the world, it is little short of criminal that attention should be drawn to the possible misdeeds of one misunderstood and solitary man. He was very much a loner, acting on his own and for his own purposes and I think you’ll find as ‘ow he had good reason to take these young women under his wing: given the immoral and intolerant nature of Britain in partic’lar and western society in general. At worst he was a single unrepresentative individual exploited by the intolerant and ignorant to slander the rest of us.”

  In further developments today, the national broadcaster denied any part in covering up growing evidence in the Right-wing the blogosphere of what seems to have been a number very serious sexual assaults over several decades. “Any bias is pure invention on the part of uncredentialled Right-wing extremists,” responded a BBC spokesworm today. “On the one hand you have millions of tasteless,  aged women and dreary allotment-haunting men worldwide who hold the great man in the highest esteem and whose feelings have been bitterly hurt by what may very well be scurrilous accusations against someone who in his lifetime was held by many to be a living saint, and on the other you have a few bigots claiming that his rapes of numerous young women is his only and enduring contribution to the world, and in so doing slander - and risk stirring up violence against – the overwhelming majority of tacky, road-running stogie-chomping pervos. In such circumstances, we at the BBC feel we must be getting it about right, ‘tha knows.”

    Good-natured crowds of Nike-clad, gold-chained moderates mobbed the BBC Leeds studio in St. Pete’s Square today, chanting their peaceful signature call Now then, now then, how’s about that then and waving hastily improvised placards proclaiming ‘appen Jimmy Were Great, and  ‘ey oop: bar t’at  to thems as skrike abowt Savile.