Friday, 7 May 2010

David Cameron: a clarification

As the election results continue to pour in and the prospect of a Cameron-led Tory coalition government becomes ever more likely, I’d like to take this opportunity to clarify my beliefs about the man and his policies.

I have noticed that a number of you disapprove of Mister Cameron’s thoroughly modernized and forward-looking conservatism. Worse still, some of you seem to think that I am in some way fundamentally opposed to his Great Project of building a better society; shorn of its ancient abuses and all those fuddy-duddy limitations on political power and personal achievement and happiness by putting this country at the heart of a democratic Europe in the great traditions that continue to this day to be given to us by the Greeks.

Nothing could be further from the truth.

I have nothing but personal admiration for this fine man who, against all the odds, and with no more than a private education and wealthy background to help him set out in life, plus six enlightening months working in the private sector before public duty called to him, chose to offer nation and party a new way in the way of newness that only conservatism might bring and chose to drag the Conservatives out of its mire of: petty nationalism; its obsession with lower taxation; its puritanical flirtations with notions around limiting the use of mind altering drugs or interfering with the growth of new and exciting forms of marriage. He has single-handedly rescued our great corner of the European Union from the backwater status that the pure isolationism that freer trade with the rest of the planet would impose upon us. He has finally validated and institutionalized the simple truth that concerned peoples’ feeling about the environment are too important to allow narrow-minded climatologists to deny both the existence of Global Warming and its principally man-made origins.

In addition to a personal liking for the man for his cool charm when interviewed and the common touch which he displays on all occasions when agreeing with the fundamental world view of the Left and liberal mainstream, above all I respect his sheer courage in facing down the all-powerful Tory Establishment and reducing its outmoded emphasis on preserving ancient institutions and guarding our national life from the obvious need for root-and-branch change to a sad and defeated rump, sulking on the periphery.

If I hadn’t owed an hereditary gambling debt to the local chairman of the UK Independence Party, I am certain that I would have spend six days a week every week since Easter electioneering for Mister Cameron’s compassionate and thoroughly progressive agenda.

I am sure that when and if a Greece-like economic meltdown comes to Britain, Mister Cameron will immediately fly to the European Union to request on our behalf whatever mitigation of its regulations and fiscal regime might be necessary to protect the economy of these little islands, and to bring home the best possible deal for Britain that the governments of France and Germany decide is in our best interests to be permitted.

Finally, I want to put down now and for evermore the rumour that I ever, anywhere, described David Cameron as ‘A dissembling compulsive political turncoat who can’t pass a British national interest or historic institution without selling it out, and who couldn’t conserve a fart even with a Ken Clarke-sized butt plug superglued inside him.’

Thank you.

Picture from here.


JuliaM said...

Will there be blood on the walls at Tory HQ over this miserable, abject failure?

I do hope so....

GCooper said...

Well said, NNW!

I laughed out loud. Quite an achievement today.

North Northwester said...

Julia, I fear that Tory HQ is packed with Cameroons, and so the official line will be that 'It was the Right wot let us down.' All that will be made orthodoxy despite the fact that UKIP showed little or no traction [O my poor feet!] at 917,832 votes nationwide. You can put a lot of that down to anyone even vaguely centre-rightish wanting like hell to get rid of Labour, but still and all we genuine patriotic conservatives who've noticed The Project is over and won by the Left... well, we're looking up at a snake's belly this morning.

Thanks: glad to have done ONE thing right this past month.
Comedy Hour will continue weekly at PM's Qs.[For an advanced copy of the script, see the European Parliament Digest for the past six months.]

GCooper said...

Don't be too downhearted, NNW. This was an election where a lot who might have voted UKIP, screwed their eyes shut and did the business for Dave, simply to get rid of that Scottish idiot.

And UKIP did have a problem, I fear, in that too often, on the rare occasions it received publicity at all, it was very ill-served by Lord Pearson. I'm sure he's a very decent chap, but he was a disaster as a spokesman and must have deterred many possibles.

All along, UKIP's best chance, I have felt, has been to act as pepper for the Tories. It goes against the grain to admit it, but the Lib-Dums have a point when they gripe about the unfairness of our system to small parties. UKIP isn't going to win - it isn't even likely to greatly increase its vote. But the damage it has inflicted on Dave in this election (Dr North has a good analysis of this on his EU Referendum blog) should (were they not cretins) galvanise a few Tory minds.

It is still just possible that, behind the scenes, the mutterers about Cameron's missed open goal, might be listening.


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