Greedy, Speedy, Needy, Needly, and Breedy.

Free will-y.

It’s the little things in life that mean so much.

I’m going to try to keep mine small today, like the Ebola virus, plutonium molecules, and the viewing figures for the Muslim Comedy Channel.

It appears that our betters are having periodic fits of remorse, for a variety of reasons.

Here’s the MP for Dewsbury, Shahid Malik, in apologetic mood on Yahoo.

Prime Minister Gordon Brown on Friday suspended junior justice minister Shahid Malik while his claims for tens of thousands of pounds are investigated, as the embarrassing row escalated.

The Telegraph said Malik had claimed nearly 67,000 pounds on his London home over three years, while paying less than 100 pounds a week on a house in his constituency he designated his main residence.

The claims on the London flat included 2,600 pounds for a home cinema system, although parliamentary authorities only agreed to pay half, and 730 pounds for a "massage chair".

Malik told the Telegraph he spent most of his time at his constituency home and it was right that it be registered as his main property, allowing him to claim expenses on his more expensive house in the capital.

He protested his innocence in a series of media interviews hours before it was revealed he was stepping down.

"I have absolutely nothing to apologise for," he said in his constituency of Dewsbury in Yorkshire, northern England, which has a large Asian community.

"I'm not in it for the money. I'm here to make a difference. I love this country. I love this constituency. I want to make a difference and that's the only reason I'm in politics."

Makes you humble: his contrition, doesn’t it? I’m choked here; all welling up.

Funnily enough, there are mixed feelings in his constituency which is not a million miles from Northwester Towers: my palatial two-up-two-down mansion set amongst rolling Northern hills like a jewel between the highest-elevation council estate in Castle City and the topmost Housing Association.

He won his local party's backing late Friday, but voters were divided over his suspension.

Diane Hughes, 52, shopping in the town centre, said: "It's the best news I've had all year and it's only May. It really didn't surprise me to tell the truth. Most of my friends just don't like him at all."

Outside a mosque, one young man said: "I think he's a good MP and he's done a good job. I will vote for him in the national elections."

Here’s his constituency website with full apology as of 10.50, 16 May 2009.

I can thoroughly recommend the FAQ page, which is a comedy classic.

Do you actually live in Dewsbury? Of course. Even before I was elected as an MP I had already moved into a house in the town and very quickly felt very much at home. I'm aware that some MP's don't live in their own constituencies, at the end of the day that's their decision, but I'd find it very difficult living anywhere else.

Woody Allen, eat your heart out.

Okay, so he’s not spectacularly sorry, but can I spot a little glimmer of guilt there, or is it the back-pain for which he claimed the cost of a massage chair?

So let’s try someone else.

Ah, how about a peer of the realm?

A Labour peer jailed for dangerous driving has warned of the perils of using a hand-held mobile phone while at the wheel. Lord Ahmed of Rotherham was jailed for 12 weeks after sending and receiving text messages minutes before he was involved in a fatal motorway crash.

I do rather like that impersonal ‘… he was involved in a fatal motorway crash.’ You’ve got to feel sorry for the poor chap. There he was pootling along at 100 miles per hour and suddenly a fatal motorway crash manifested itself unto him, like a message from God.

Supporting an AA/Populus poll into mobile phone use among motorists, Lord Ahmed said he had "learnt the hard way" about the problem.

Lord Ahmed, who was freed by the Court of Appeal after serving only 16 days of his prison sentence, said: "More and more people are using their mobile phones throughout their daily activities.

"But, when you're driving it's time to switch off. I learnt this the hard way. Please do it now before it is too late."

‘I learnt this the hard way.’
Ye-es, my lord. I’m sorry for his loss and his grief.
Martin Gombar, however, didn’t learn anything as he was killed instantly when he - how to phrase it? - ‘Was hit’ by a car which was driven by a member of our legislature doing a mere 30 miles per hour over the legal maximum speed. And he was probably drunk, according to the Guardian, and a foreigner, so, hmph.

Still, sorrow is sorrow, and it’s an apology of sorts and we’re a forgiving lot in this country (look how many times we’ve re-elected the Labour Party).

They’re all at it. Worldwide.

Mel Gibson was put on three years' probation and ordered to attend 12 months of AA meetings after he pleaded no contest yesterday to a drink-driving charge.

The Oscar-winning star was forced to issue a grovelling apology for screaming anti-Semitic abuse at police after he was arrested doing 87mph in a 45mph zone in Malibu, California, last month.

He blamed the outburst on his long-running battle with alcoholism. The devout Roman Catholic allegedly yelled at the sheriff's deputy who stopped him: "The Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world." He is then said to have challenged officer James Mee, saying: "Are you a Jew?"

CSI star loses job because of drug addiction

Gary Dourdan, star of the mega-hit CBS show CSI: Crime Scene Investigation has lost his job on the show due to an ongoing battle with drug addiction. Producers of the show cut the actor loose after his April arrest for felony possession of heroin, ecstasy and cocaine.

The arrest marked the bottoming-out point of a great actor who has struggled with drug addiction for years.

Amy Winehouse's husband Blake Fielder-Civil is seeking a divorce on the grounds of her adultery, according to his solicitor.

Henri Brandman, who is representing Mr Fielder-Civil, released a brief statement saying: "I can confirm that I have been instructed to commence divorce proceedings on the grounds of Amy's adultery."

The couple, who married in Miami in May 2007, have faced difficulties over Winehouse's alleged battle with drug addiction and Fielder-Civil's jail sentence for assault and perverting the course of justice.

They’re all in the wars, aren’t they; the victims of circumstances beyond their control. One battle against alcoholism and two against drugs.

And from their tones we may also infer that Shahid Malik might suffer the permanent loss of ministerial office due to his continuing battle against deliberately claiming massive amounts of public money that should have come out of his own pocket. We might also be forgiven for thinking that Lord Ahmed regrets recent road traffic accident casualties which occurred during his lifelong battle against believing that membership of the House of Lords alchemically adds 42% onto the national speed limit and also absolves a Noble Lord from paying excessive attention to the view through the windscreen of his car.

It’s official and it goes right to the top.

We have no free will. Our actions are not the deliberately-followed purposes of sentient and self-controlled beings, but rather the random and blameless movement of leaves in the wind.

It’s official and it goes right to the bottom.

The underclass can ‘fall pregnant ’ again and again at our cost and at the cost of the Queen’s peace and the near-destruction of what the progressives have left of our education system, as if they, like their social workers, seem still to believe in the stork or the gooseberry bush.

And they can break the law without actually committing a crime, and thus we have crimeless victims.

There’s little or no moral agency here.

Which is why we need big, powerful, intimately-interfering government ; to wipe our backsides, and wash and dress and feed us and tell us what to do and to tax us to the eyebrows to finance it when circumstances impersonally oblige us to be greedy, speedy, needy, needly, and breedy, and…Titch, maybe?

Call me old-fashioned, but it’s all down to the Left, in all its manifestations, that have taken it upon themselves to absolve us all from personal shame, guilt and responsibility for our lives and with it they have acquired the power of life and death.

Which they use ruthlessly from just before the cradle to just before the grave.

On a happier note it seems that the past month’s careless relaxation of my exercise routine and my abandonment of the calorie-controlled diet and consequent weight-gain turn out not to be due to my sloppiness and laxity at all.

No. Not titch.

‘In an official statement today, North Northwester’s lard spokesman explained that the addition of an extra stone to the waist and buttocks of the revered national treasure and paranoid Right-winger, McCarthyite nostalgic, Grassy Knoll Veteran’s Association member and race-hate blogger was due to him suffering the effects of a lifelong battle against deliberately reaching into the freezer and putting an extra pizza into the oven.

The spokesman thanked the public for their sympathy for him during this difficult time regarding the spontaneous growth of enough love-handles for a coxless pair (which is better than the opposite by far) and asked them to further respect his pain as he goes into rehabilitation to overcome the frightening effects of his 48-year battle against sandwiches with mayonnaise.