An investigation into the diseases of the bulldog

Bulldogs have been kept and prized as a distinct breed in Britain at least since Elizabethan times. Famed for loyalty and friendliness which transform into fierce displays of protectiveness against threats against the family or home, they have long been treasured as both pets and protectors of their masters.
But there’s nothing in the world that can’t be improved by the application of scientific theory by trained experts.

Puppyhood and upbringing.

Traditionally bulldog puppies have been raised singly or in pairs by their owners immediately after weaning. House training was usually done by punishment and reward: shouting and slapping with open palms or rolled-up newspapers, followed by rubbing their noses in their mess and then taking them outside to do their business, followed with praise and petting when they get the message.
This is unscientific and cruel. Studies have shown that shouting and paddling cause emotional stress and physical pain to bulldog puppies: so much stress in fact that they have been known to whine and cringe when they need a bowel movement and this forces them to beg to leave the house. This result is cruel - and indeed unnatural. Even worse, envy and resentment can grow up between puppies that learn at different rates and are therefore rewarded at different times.
Dogs are domesticated wolves and in nature there are neither rolled-up newspapers nor human beings to strike wolves with them. Anthropomorphic notions such as discipline should be dispensed with and puppies should be allowed to explore their world and their boundaries naturally and unconstrained by anything but their natural pack instinct and the benevolence of their ‘owners.’
It may take them a little longer to learn to prefer going outside, and it may be messy, unhealthy and inconvenient for all concerned until they do, but there is nothing cruller than a beating so severe that it leaves emotional scars and produces cowed and whining subservient pets.
Under no circumstances must ‘successful’ puppies be praised or petted in the presence of their less ‘obedient’ litter-mates.

Health and exercise.

Adult bulldogs have long been treated as needing daily exercise and the twice a day ‘walkies’ has featured in traditional bulldog care. This must be abandoned as there are many hazards outdoors; including the risk of injury from playing too energetically and leaping about too much, or the danger of cut paws from broken glass or sharp stones.
The archaic practice of throwing sticks or balls for them to chase and bring back to their ‘masters’ only encourages aggression and cruelty as it teaches them a primitive kind of savagery incorrectly called the ‘hunting instinct’ which is in nature only a product of famine or illness.
The game of ‘fetch’ is especially harmful if there are two or more dogs competing for the object ball as one or more of the animals will necessarily fail to reach the ball each time and this will cause them deep and unnecessary distress.
Cereal-based food - rather than meat - is the healthiest food for them, and synthetic chews: not hide or real bones.
Bulldogs should be kept indoors and entertained by technology alone. The Discovery Channel, for example, often features uplifting documentaries about life in coral reefs and the Antarctic which may engage bulldogs’ naturally inquisitive natures; though films about Africa should be avoided at all costs in case they should see hunting hyenas or wild dogs stalking and killing prey and be renered bloodthirsty as a result.
They should never be exposed to tobacco smoke (especially indoors) as studies have shown that beagles can be harmed by having it blown into their faces via masks.
Bulldogs should never be forced to work as guard dogs, sniffer dogs or put to work on farms. They are a part of Nature and it is only right that they be provided with all the necessities of life rather than being exhausted and otherwise mistreated and traumatized in work roles which they might not enjoy.

Aggression.

Despite their owners’ proud claim that bulldogs are friendly and good with children and slow to violence, in fact once they do get involved in fighting they are implacably cruel and brutal. They often inflict terrible wounds on their victims with viciousness not seen in other domesticated breeds or even in nature during famines.
One reason for keeping bulldogs indoors and away from meat-based products is to wean them off the aggression and killing frenzy bred into them over centuries by human beings who believed (contrary to the morality that Nature teaches those wise enough to see it) that death only leads to more death, and so violence must be avoided at all times: except in pursuit of scientifically-approved goals decided upon by enlightened officials.

Other breeds.

The most sinister consequence of traditional bulldog breeding has been the way that these animals interact with dogs of other breeds. It has long been known that poorly-trained bulldogs have occasionally attacked similar breeds; standard poodles, dachshunds and very often Irish wolf-hounds. But given the chance, these beasts will have a go at Afghans, Pekingese, Indian Spitzes and Serbians; anything.
This must stop.
The best way to reduce the bulldog’s inherent brutality and aggression is to surround it with a great many hounds of other breeds.
This must not be done half-heartedly, however. In former times traditional bulldog breeders allowed their animals to meet and play with the few exotic breeds that were available in a less varied dog word; especially Scottish, Welsh and Irish Terriers and also Himalayan sheepdogs, Labrador Huskies, Polish hounds and Australian and American Bulldogs. This didn’t work well because when put together peacefully these breeds would often form cohesive packs which displayed shared territoriality and mutual interdependence and resistance to incursions from other, less aggressive breeds such as Alsatians, Rottweilers and Borzois.
Whenever possible, bulldogs should be separated from these ‘compatible’ strains – perhaps by humane aversion therapy, and instead compelled – under threat of the reduction of their food supplies or the removal of favourite toys - to live amongst less aggressive breeds from the Continent or - better yet - from further afield. Ideally, bulldogs should be shown these other breeds being rewarded for their passive natures by more frequent and copious feeding (even to the extent of taking the bulldogs’ own treats in their plain sight and directly transferring them to their better-behaved neighbours.)
Any signs of aggression or resentment on the part of the bulldogs should be punished by severe and constant scolding and the deprivation of privileges, and also, if possible, by introducing ever more newcomer dogs to their homes and giving them their favourite sleeping places.

Any bulldog that growls at an aggressive cat should be destroyed immediately.

Conclusion.

The bulldog is a pestilence; a uniquely destructive breed that should never have been created.
If the above methods of pacification and control still don’t work, then enlightened masters might be obliged to take more drastic measures to solve this canine pestilence once and for all.

Some strains of Persians, it has been discovered, are capable of carrying conditions inimical to bulldogs’ health and plans are afoot at the highest levels to introduce infected Persians into the wild at the earliest possible opportunity, which may finally provide a solution to the bulldog problem, as well as reducing the numbers of other problematic breeds.

Isn't science wonderful?

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