We have absolutely everything we need

…apart from an oxygen supply.

In the English language there are certain phrases and sentences which begin impressively enough but at the end of which their whole initial impact meaning and intent are utterly negated.

Examples include:

Cyberdyne Systems for Windows:

The Glory That Was Belgium;

Buy one, get one free vasectomy.

Here, however, is this week’s winner:

Tories welcome Cameron's tough talk on immigration

Tory MPs and activists were delighted today after David Cameron hardened his image with calls for curbs on immigration and "tough punishment" for criminals.

Wow! Really? I mean, really?

You have to wonder what it’s like, psychologically, to be a Tory ‘right-winger’ just now.

Is it easy for them to forget iDave’s sacking of a Shadow spokesman who merely mentioned the idea that coloured Army recruits might play the race card to get softer treatment from instructors during basic training?

When The Greatest Tory Leader Of All Time is bruited about as actually addressing the appalling issues of multiculturalism and the failure of some immigrants to integrate and then he says stuff like: "I do think that people have a very real concern about levels of immigration and not because of different cultures or the colour of their skin," he said. "Concern is about services. It's the pressure on schools, pressure on hospitals, pressure on housing. It's important to understand that if your child is going into a reception class and suddenly 20 new kids turn up because lots more families have arrived, then that is a big pressure." then Right-wing Tories have got to realize, surely, that we’re at another of those Camerooniac Once Upon A Time In The Wirral moments.

See? It’s all about numbers and accounting and just plain old-fashioned money which all good Right-wing Tories believe in their heart of heart the Conservatives still do so well, just as Britain still does pomp and circumstance and royal weddings with the streets lined with an honour guard consisting of the entire Platoon of Guards, and for example see how brilliantly they’re balancing cutting public expenditure on British subjects whilst spending the ‘savings’ and more on our beloved European neighbours’ bankers.

“Shut up, Eric, it’s just four umbrella stands and a rather attractive set of piano keys all gathered together in the corner of the room and nothing more.”

Curiously, certain sections of the diverse Left think it’s about economics, too.

At Salam immigration solicitors on Chorlton Road, Sheikh Asif Salam accuses Cameron of "stirring things up".

"What about the people from Poland and the Czechs from the EU? They don't speak English and there are no issues with them. Why are there issues with people from outside Europe? It is not in the interests of the nation, it is just political … The UK is an international hub but you can't survive on your own. If you don't let people in, then don't let people out. It will become so difficult that people won't want to invest in the UK. If tourists are told we are not friendly they will stop coming."

He adds: "If we stop the migrants coming in to the NHS then this leads to problems with a lack of doctors and nurses. It gives rise to hatred; it is all a political stand."

Now, that’s from the Guardian and of course no-one over there is ever going to point out that nobody at all (with the possible exception of one Right-wing nano-blogger they’ve never even heard of) that nobody has ever had much to fear about Poles getting onto underground trains with accordions on their backs or Czechs driving into Glasgow Airport in a car full of Budweiser bottles.

It’s in cases like this that it all comes together.

The culture wars are, to the Spongebob Blues, actually quite impressive and important and something you could mention but you shouldn’t do so in polite company - like Great Aunt Vera's hairy facial mole or statistics about male elephants.

When the clever-clogs of the Tory invertebrate establishment assure their actual really real truly conservative colleagues that: it’s all about money; it’s not about culture; the EU is a helpful alliance; defence funding can be dealt with separately and safely cut; the welfare state safety net just needs pruning; debt can be lived with as it’s just like a Christmas club where we invest in our future; we must avoid anything smacking of racism because it impacts on the children; and most immigrants are assimilating, then they’ve got us out her in the world plus our beloved Tory Right-wingers divided and ruled and the citizenry suffering violence locally and internationally, paying for a variety of harms against themselves and forbidden to speak their minds.

You can’t have mere fiscal conservatism when British money is exported to help the foreign banks and while the bloated, immigrant-enriched National Health Service is cut (a bit, maybe) to pay British layabouts to spawn a series of illegitimate children headed for a childhood of disrupting everyone else’s educations and the violence-preaching anti-assimilators of Islam intimidating anyone who discusses the subject and our shrinking forces are fighting the wrong Muslim lunatics, because it’s about services. It's the pressure on schools, pressure on hospitals, pressure on housing.

We have to have it all; culture warriors upholding our culture; actual wars, if any, against our true, violent enemies, freedom of expression for the natives of our country; actual spending cuts to pay for actual law and order and real education and defence that works; national independence; an economy based on producing value for sale and laws built on values you never even try to sell; enforcement of British-made laws that reflect the morality of the British people; education that does not denigrate our country’s good achievements so children might just grow into adults who can cherish our country and actually thrive in it as free and safe citizens.

Cutting conservatism, like our United Kingdom, into optional dishes you can pick or choose amongst from some kind of policy buffet table is negating any chance of what conservatives hold to be good happening at all.

So I hope the Tory Right would stop allowing the divide and conquer of the anti-conservative Tories.

Make that ‘wish’, rather than hope.

I don’t see much sign of them realizing that, like the red white and blue bunting they and their beliefs are being taken out by the leadership and displayed on special occasions such as the royal wedding…only to be put away once the local elections are finished.

As far as I can see, Cameron’s speech is another example of Tory Party let-down. Here we go for the one.

What’s next: When Dinosaurs Ruled the Irwell?


Picture from here