Petit bourgeois SMS

Is it just me or has any of you also noticed that we suburban social conservatives just aren’t ‘with it’ where “SMS talk” or “text speak” is concerned?

The grubby hordes of Morlocks and the grungy Orcs in their Council houses and Housing Association flats, these silver grey tracksuited and baseball capped layabouts are fluent in this ‘state of the art’ technology. They are forever sending each other rude messages that are probably all about us (the decent and respectable backbone at the heart of Middle England), and yet we struggle even to switch the predictive text off and thus to write in clear, honest, law-abiding and poorly-punctuated lounge bar English. Usually we’re forced to text in capitals because that particular facility is frustratingly complicated for the hard working taxpayers who also happen to pay the wages of everyone in the Nokia Company, thank you so very much. Why can’t they make the users’ manuals easy to understand; if they can’t clarify the ‘menu options’ in the phone sets themselves?

But that’s the Japanese for you all over.

The Politically Correct Brigade is as bad; if not worse. In their silly sustainable organic Cuban hand-knit ponchos and their endangered tropical rainforest wooden jewellery, and living as they do in ridiculously expensive houses in the nicest parts of town in winter and in plastic yurts in Provence and Tuscany in the summertime, they seem as happy and fluent as the scroungers they owe their jobs to; no doubt texting each other with the times and dates of their gay orgies and nasty little jokes about Mrs. Thatcher and lawnmowers. I expect they are always ‘laughing out loud’ (LOL) at some perfectly sensible thing which that nice Mister Cameron has said, or ‘for your informationing’ (FYI) something unspeakable about Melanie Phillips.

It makes me so angry that every time I send some perfectly clear message, some lazy long-haired techie sends me a message back asking me what it means. I think they do it on purpose: you know, to undermine the monarchy or something.

But we can strike back! We: the vast and silent majority can add our voices to the equally loud chorus of complaint against the tyranny of cool and trendy people who are even now eating away at the moral fibre and drinking from the milk of human kindness that is at the very bread and butter of all that is wholesome and true in England. We can forge our very own ‘text speak’ to express our exasperation, disgust, and daily (Mail) astonishment at how New Labour and its greedy and corrupt friends in the banks (above the Deputy Branch Manager level at any rate,) are destroying what is right and good.

Therefore I’d like to introduce you to the first in a series of social conservative ‘text speak’ that sends a message from us, as we raise our metaphorical eyes to an equally suburban Heaven at the latest loony-Leftie outrage from Westminster, Whitehall or the BBC and ask how any of it can ever be allowed in justice and equity in this once our fair and pleasant land. Ladies and gentlemen, I am proud to offer to you in the true Christmas spirit of schadenfreude our very own SMS:

Y?O.Y?O.Y?