Monday, 23 November 2009

Resistance 2: Fall of The Man?

Well, my UK Independence Party membership pack has finally arrived, complete with its top-secret cipher key to send clandestine anti-EU information to their ultra-high-tech underground headquarters in Newton Abbot - a name heavy with the grisly redolence of clandestine fanaticism and byzantine global webs of conspiracy well-funded by sinister military-industrial conglomerates and men in cardigans named Colin.

The covering letter explained that the delay in sending me the stuff was because under the Party’s constitution new members must not be recruited during leadership elections for obvious reasons and the person who posts out the membership packs was himself standing for the post of Grand Dragon and Supreme Arch-Pencil Monitor.

I’m sure I’ll be able to contribute something to the Party’s publicity activities for next year’s General Election and have ticked several volunteer boxes on the prepaid return card:

# Stuffing envelopes.

# Canvassing both of your best friends at the bowling green clubhouse.

# Leafleting council housing estates at 5 AM the day after Benefits Thursdays.

# Phoning the barmy granny who promised to vote for us just as long as Enoch said it would be okay. (And he did too. Enoch’s the best-spoken parrot I’ve ever trained.)

I’m not so sure about some of the other suggested activities, and there’s a box of matches and a very detailed plan of some large building with the word Reichstag crossed out and Louise Weiss Building written above it in green ink.

To complicate matters, it appears that the towering glory of the European Parliament has not one but two venues so there’s also a Michelin Guide map to the Espace L√©opold and the first four chapters torn from a distance-learning manual called Piloting the European Airbus for Fun and Prophet.

I’m definitely not going in for those two options - not with my back. But let’s face it, if they asked for a Vodka-Soused You Tube Heroic Last Stands Movie Montages Browser And Suicide Late-Night Amazon Cheesy War-Film DVD Shopper then by next summer my name would be as famous as…well, that chap who was entirely innocent of attacking the World Trade Centre despite what his martyrdom video, his father, his organisation and hundreds of thousands of cheering but offended moderate men, black-masked women and beardless youths dancing in the streets throughout the Middle East and Asia 11/12 September 2001 seemed to indicate, but which you never see on the BBC these days for some reason.

The lapel badge they’ve sent is the smallest party political badge I’ve ever seen in my life. I imagine that The Nazi Paedophile Kitten-Drowning Accordionist Front sports larger slogan buttons than UKIP. Still it’s quality schmutter, if tiny.

I also have a UKIP nom de guerre, which is Vangor the Vengeance-Wreaker which goes with my other aliases rather well. Of course when I’m at work or using my credit card I’m known by my true name, and when I’m describing the seedy, corrupt and criminal life of North Britain I go by North Northwester. When, on the other hand, I’m chronicling the lives and times of a galaxy-wide space civilisation I go by North N. Wester, and in the evenings and weekends and I let my hair down and relax with a few friends it’s Mistress Agonista, Queen of Pain.

Very soon I’ll have to email the local Party boss and offer my services under the name that’s written on my birth certificate.

And that’s the time I was really dreading: the point when I finally had to commit to actually doing something to persuade the residents of Castle City to come to their front doors and listen to the possibility of voting for someone other than The Statist Super-Taxing Federast Slushy Party - now available in four almost identical flavours: Mint, Raspberry, Banana and Blueberry.

All that time spent away from hearth and home and actual conservative thought and people with a discernible belief-system wisdom…to come home weary one hot Thursday evening to fall asleep exhausted and then awake to a Cameronian ‘Conservative’ victory and the knowledge that it had all been wasted and that nothing in the results would indicate to dim-bulb marginal Tory MPs that Callmedave’s Ted Heath deracinating corporatism 2.0 had been the final sellout and that they’d better damned well shape up and practice something actually resembling conservatism or else face electoral obliteration next time.

That would be the last nail in the coffin for national self-government, justice, genuine freedom and the possibility of honest administration in Britain for another generation.

But now…

David Cameron not taking election victory for granted

David Cameron has made it clear he is not taking an election victory for granted and slapped down a senior colleague for suggesting a Labour win would be better for Britain than the uncertainty of a hung parliament…. A new poll showed that Labour had cut the lead over the Conservatives to just six points, raising the prospect of no party being able to secure a majority at next year's general election.

Mr Cameron publicly disowned comments from Ken Clarke, his front bench colleague, for suggesting recently that a Labour win would be preferable to a hung parliament. The former chancellor and current shadow business secretary argued that at a time of grave economic difficulties the uncertainty it would create could be disastrous.

Bliss was it in that dawn to be alive,

But to be young was very heaven.
Works fine with ‘middle aged’, too.

Bring it on.

Illustration from Ripten here.


James Higham said...

Fascinating insight and I shall post the link to our AA colleagues for analysis. We were just discussing UKIP and LPUK this evening.

GCooper said...

Call me Dave's spinners have been brushing aside the Observer poll and refusing even to countenance that any, um, slippage (not that there was any, of course) was due to his backsliding over the referndum-that-never-was.

No, Dave, of course it isn't...

JuliaM said...

"The lapel badge they’ve sent..."

That's not very 'up to date' for the new generation, is it? Who wears lapels these days?

Couldn't they have managed a baseball cap or a specially-designed Twibbon?

"The former chancellor and current shadow business secretary argued that at a time of grave economic difficulties the uncertainty it would create could be disastrous."

I'm coming round to the possibility that this would be preferable, as they'd spend so much time infighting they wouldn't 'govern'...

Dangerouslysubversivedad said...

Welcome to the Dark Side, Lord Northwester.

North Northwester said...

Late responses, apologies.

Thanks, James. I really do think that the forces of not-stupid may have something in our bags one happy Friday morning in summer. As bewildered and defeated would-be Tory MPs face the bleak future of their party's minority rule and them having to work for a living, a bunch of UKIP candidates waving votes larger than Labour's majorities over the Conservatives might be just the spur to think with their actual brains that they need.
Because right now, they believe they've earned their place in the sun.

GCooper "Call me Dave's spinners..."
Apart from his powder blue rosette and sky blue ties, is there any way it's possible to tell Cameron from your average New Labour front bencher?

Julia, I'd love it if the Commons' Lilliputians spend their days arguing over which end of a boiled egg to open. Unfortunately, while they are already doing that the real government gets on with the job of ruining our lives. These are the people whom you chronicle each day: the officials high and low who really govern the country from the EU Commission and its rubber stamp Parliament, to the Civil Servants who make all kinds of decision about who should dwell here and how they should support themselves, to judges who let killers walk free and thus deciding that the next innocent victim has lived too long, to the teachers who will not teach.
I'd laugh myself silly watching PM's Questions - if my local council's priority for beating the recession and to make the economies it needs to make to deliver essential services did not include 'climate change.'

DSD, may the Farce be with you.


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