Modern marriage

Beginning the service.

Traditionally, the bride and groom enter the church separately - the groom first with the best man, and the bride at the time set for the start of the service, on the arm of her father or another relative or friend (it does not need to be a man).

The couple may enter together.

However, the groom likely slipped away within the first week of her gestation being announced, or during its last week, or shortly after this first week of his full ‘fatherhood.’ He may never be seen again by the State, except on the birth certificates of subsequent issue.

The bride may enter alone if she wishes, or sign on online or at Job Centre Plus.

The State will welcome the contributions of all concerned. Your family and friends have an important role to play as victims and paymasters of this new style of marriage.

The State employee will read an introduction explaining what Christians believe about marriage.

The bride will ignore this and do her own thing, regardless. He or she will also ask, as the law requires, if anyone knows any reason why the transfer of funds may not lawfully take place.

The bride will ignore this and do her own thing, regardless.

Declarations.

The bride will be asked to promise before God, her friends and her family that she will appreciate, spend wisely, honour and be grateful for your money and be respectful about them as long as you both shall live.

The bride will ignore this and do her own thing, regardless.

The State will also fail to ask the congregation to volunteer to support and uphold her marriage.

Vows.

Turning their backs to each other, the bride and taxpayer ignore each other and the bride makes vows:

I swear (and you can bet she does, constantly)

'to have and to hold all the stuff you can buy me
from this day forward;
for better, for worse,

and I deserve quality, like my kids do,
for richer, for poorer,

me richer, you poorer

in cash or on credit,
in sickness and in health,

if I can get signed off sick I don’t have to have no more kids for a while,
to love and to cherish them in an offhand and patchy sort of way and never raise an angry hand to them except when I’m tired or in the head teacher’s office again,

and to receive Child Benefit, Child Tax Credit, Income Support, free school meals and dental care,
till turning eighteen or twenty us do part, when I will chuck those kids onto the taxpayer’s charity and have a couple more.'

Funds.

The couple then exchange funds as a sign of their ‘marriage' and a reminder of the vows, and the taxpayer is assumed to have said:

'With my body I labour to support you,
all that I am I give to you,
and too much that I have I share with you,
within the love of God,
State, Revenues and Benefits Bureaucracy.'

Still, two takes on the same ray of sunshine from The Lone Voice and Devil’s Kitchen.