Saturday 1 August 2009

Commercial break



Lenin boasted that capitalists would sell the communists the very rope with which the Reds would hang them.

Libertarians proclaim that the market can meet almost any demands if left alone by government.


They’re both right, and it’s almost impossible to parody. Er
It does look, however, as if some very specialist businesses have been helping the pols put the boot in on our country all over the shop…



Are you the Leader Of The Opposition?


Is the governing party abject and in disarray at your feet and on its way out? Are you looking forward to a happy life in office: the interview with the Queen; the house; the flashy cars; the armed policeman standing at the door?


But do you still worry about underarm ideology?


Did you know that only B/O can keep you from office?

Are you aware that a last-minute accusation of political belief/opinion might steal that reward for your lifetime spent climbing the greasy pole and keep you out of Downing Street? B/O is bad because everyone knows that only bad people raise their arms; bad people and housepainters. And even some house painters were bad. Don’t be tarred with their brush.


Richard and Judy can protect you from accusations of controversial (or indeed any) ideas. The bland leading the blonde have interviewed over 1000 mediocre politicians in all the major parties and the top fifty interchangeable mainstream media pundits, and we think that under controlled conditions, no-one will be able to tell you apart from them either.

Let our middle-of-the-road gang give you a nonentity makeover and polish your image so brightly that it becomes the perfect mirror of the undifferentiated who govern Britain.

Don’t delay; call Richard and Judy on the freephone number or visit our website at www.richardardandjudy.co.uk


Richard and Judy: politics without punch for 20 years.



Are you dyslexic?


Take our easy test and discover the truth.


Which of the following is the correct spelling:-


A. Targetting women and children.

B. Going out of your way to avoid innocent deaths up to and including informing non-combatants well in advance about the targets of planned air attacks.


A. Militants.

B. Terrorists who deliberately attack civilian homes and businesses to cause the maximum death and injury by suicide bombings.


A. Pro-democracy demonstrators.

B. Nepalese Communist Party.


A. Independent watchdog.

B. Left-wing pressure group now given devolved legislative power by Parliament.


If you chose any ‘B’ at all, then you are dyslexic.


Let BBC English help you.

Once renowned worldwide for its stolidly impartial broadcasting and its high standards of spoken English, the BBC has diversified into learning support and can help you with your vocabulary issues. Let us expand your nomenclature and gild your perceptions with our 24/7 online English tutorials, and soon you’ll know exactly why it’s the correct thing to refer to all of the following: Soviet reactionaries opposed to democracy in Russia; ultra-purist Islamic theologians in revolutionary Iran and last-ditch Afrikaner proponents of apartheid as ‘conservatives,’ and why members of the British Conservative Party must always be called ‘Tories’.


BBC English: be the biased.



Work For Life.


It’s time for you to get on in life and get busy.You deserve a cosy little starter home of your own with its two or three bedrooms, a shower for cleaning the sick off and a nice big living room to keep your 50 inch Panasonic and unwrap your tea in.

You’ll need an independent income for up to three decades so you can grow (sometimes literally) as a unique and beautiful person and avoid becoming rigid and conformist in your thinking (if any). You’ll be provided with rent free accommodation (starting at the two bedroom rate of Local Housing Allowance when your career is just starting out but up to £2,100 per month when you really start to produce) and a tax-free income for the rest of your productive life, and then some.


So what are you waiting for?


Visit The Stork and Gooseberry Bush’s Under-16s Nite where we’ll provide you with cheap vodka shots and enough potent Alco pops to make our charming resident staff of Darrens, Lees and Kevs - whose surnames you’ll never need to know – potent and briefly acceptable to you down in front of your mum’s plasma screen on a bed of celebrity magazines and kebab wrappers.

Warning: sometimes the filth raid the place and card the punters so make sure you bring one of your sister’s Child Benefit books and remember to use her name. Join the mummy army and get work for life.
www.onyyourbacknotyourbike.co.uk



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Do you suffer from too much blood in your veins? Have you too few body orifices? Do you dread seeing your family at Christmas? Well, worry no more! Just stay in uniform and Ministry of Defence Procurement will make sure that nothing stands between you and life in a better world.



If you can’t find enough time to clean your moat or sell your publicly-financed houses to relatives at a paper loss because dreary old things like Magna Carta, national self-government and scrutinizing legislation just take up too much time, then simply subcontract your work to the European Union and you can get on with life.

The European Union: making MP’s lives simpler at no cost to themselves since 1973.



I stopped worrying about the high cost of stair lifts, hip replacements and funeral payment plans, noisy neighbours and intimidating young thugs hanging around Booth’s car park. Ask me how, or visit www.nhswillendallyourworriesrealsoon.org.uk


4 comments:

Anonymous said...

Lenin boasted that capitalists would sell the communists the very rope with which the Reds would hang them.
Libertarians proclaim that the market can meet almost any demands if left alone by government.


Of course they're both right.

No one who's read Atlas Shrugged is the least surprised at the former. It's traditional Tories who assume that business party are naturally in alliance with Conservative values and then find themselves trying to defend corrupt businessmen.

James Higham said...

That pic might cause a bit of a shudder at Westminster.

North Northwester said...

Hi Anonymous - welcome, and thanks for your comment.

I don't know about 'traditional Tories' being naturally in alliance with business, though certainly since the Welfare State slipped its moorings in the 1960s the City has been the richest victim class for the Tory party to cosy up to. Didn't a lot of nineteenth-century businessmen in the Industrial revolution follow the Liberals, too?

Agriculture and the Church and the services were places where conservatives could expect support until relatively recently, but as they've gone west it's also been married women and small businesses [never at the top table with the City and the big Limited companies] that had been a mainstay.
I think the social conservative point I was trying (however ham-fistedly) to make was rather mildly that there are other values than liberty that need upholding, and that sometimes the market generates corrosive trash.

But really and truly I was after the pols and their 'laws' and taxes with this one: not pornographers or bent bankers or Channel 4.

James, do you know I think that most of them still haven't 'got it?' They elected Bercow and many are still saying they did not wrong. But what the hey - most of them will be back working for their unions and fake charities next July.

His Girl Friday said...

interesting similarities.

I liked the dyslexia test. :)

 

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