Thursday, 18 June 2009

Forever. 101.

I want to make myself perfectly clear.

Everything about my job is perfect. The department for which I work is well-organized, professionally-managed and runs at a minimal and ever-shrinking cost. Its stewardship of public funds is our foremost concern and great efforts are taken at all times to make every penny count in order to improve the life of the British people.

Stringent checks are made at all times to assure my colleagues and me to our own satisfaction that we are acting in accordance with both the law of the land and also with the regulations that govern our part of the state. Under no circumstances has the Department which governs my daily duties recently reduced or even abandoned substantial areas of vigilance against inappropriate spending of the tax revenues provided to us to spend on your behalf.

Mistakes are never, ever made - even in the most exceptional of circumstances - and even the tiny minority of non-existent exceptions are intercepted and corrected immediately with no extra cost or inconvenience to the taxpayers and the citizenry at large.

We dedicated and altruistic professionals have been thoroughly and competently trained from the word ‘go’ and we are kept constantly up to date on our duties. No complexity of our trade that might cause aggravation, inconvenience or a greater financial burden to either the public at large or the regular recipients of our largesse is allowed to be unknown or unclear to us. Our mission and our heartbeat-like constant ambition are to serve you, the public; impartially, honestly and with enthusiasm untarnished by any selfish motives or the desire for gain.

I do not encounter on a daily basis any evidence at all that wide-scale and frequent abuse of the British people’s generous gifts to the Treasury is commonplace. I can assure you with that depth of sincerity that rises from the bottom of my pension that any suspicions that might have been raised (in either the mainstream press or subversive online publications) that swathes of public spending and administrative effort are contributing to the spiritual, moral, educational, intellectual or financial impoverishment of a large and growing proportion of our populace and to Britain’s exciting and diverse newly resident communities alike.

My profession and the institutions, establishments and excellent equipment that serve it were created long ago and the organizational architecture began and remains small and perfect in its forms, career structure and underlying philosophy. It has never required additional personnel or a larger budget to pursue its modest, temporary and limited goals: temporary and limited goals which today, decades on, reach ever-further and always more imaginatively into the lives and dissatisfactions of the People, and which year by year achieve more substantial public happiness: happiness so sincere and extensive that few ever seek other methods of pursuing the good life than through our good offices. Why would they? Why would anyone even think about doing so?

You can rest assured that both the parliamentary overseers who facilitate our great mission and the ranks of permanent officialdom that watch over us understand the complexities of what we do, and are ever vigilant in discovering that there are no significant imperfections of note – save for the yawning and growing gaps in our budget which must swiftly be filled in order to have any chance at all of completing even the most basic parts of our already peerlessly complete mission of mercy on behalf of the British nation. Our officers, from the highest to the lowest, have no sectional interests or common purpose separate from, or contrary to the welfare of the population at large. All advice offered to Whitehall and Westminster is always of the purest and most disinterested imaginable.

Rest assured also that, once our short-term task is completed we shall disband and return to the private citizenry and trouble you no more for funds, time or obedience.

There is therefore no need for me or anyone else from within or without this benevolent apparatus to criticise, analyse, or even to describe the matchless day-to-day workings of our harmless tasks in any medium at all but especially via blogging, or for you dear reader to know anything more - or indeed anything at all - about what it is we do.

I want to make myself perfectly clear.
You have absolutely nothing to worry about.

Trust me.

1 comment:

James Higham said...

Have you got any of that stuff left? Does one smoke it?


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