Wombles versus Clangers: requiem

Pop quiz.

What is really, really, really silly? And...

Tragic. Stupid. Wasteful?

Vestas workers fight on after eviction attempt fails

Danish owners of wind turbine company unable to force workers out of Isle of Wight factory

Paul Lewis guardian.co.uk, Wednesday 29 July 2009

Workers occupying a wind turbine factory on the Isle of Wight vowed to continue their protest for another week today after a legal attempt to evict them quickly failed.

‘Eh-oh, Tinky Winky.’

‘Eh-oh, Laa-Laa.’

For the past nine days, about 20 workers have occupied the Vestas Wind Systems plant near Newport, which is due to close tomorrow. The company sought a possession order at Newport county court today in an attempt to remove the workers from the factory, where 625 staff are set to lose their jobs.

‘There’s trouble at t’ windmill mill, Mother

What kind of trouble, lad?’

Etc, etc…

But, adjourning the hearing until Tuesday, the judge, Graham White, said papers had not been properly served on individuals occupying the property.

Because, like, they weren’t on recyclable paper with, like, sustainable ink.

Papers were served last Thursday to Mark Smith, the one worker that the factory's Danish owners know for certain is occupying the factory.

Don’t those ignorant heathen Danes know that Mark Smith isn’t just a man?

He’s an icon. A legend; the voice of a generation; even though not much generation gets done because were talking windmills here.

In the court papers, Vestas named 13 individuals…

I will be the thirteenth Womble.

…and "persons unknown"...

Who was that masked electricity maker?

…it believed had occupied the office space in the building. Three of those are now thought to have left.

Intermittent service with dubious potential for success being kind of a feature of the windmill trade.

However, Adam Rosenthal, representing Vestas, conceded the company could not be sure who else had barricaded themselves inside the property.

Urging the judge to use his discretion to fast-track the possession order, Rosenthal said "emotions are running high"…

…Unlike the current that their product might someday generate if it blows a bit between the useful low speed and the practical highest speed.

On a peak demand time of day. And if it doesn’t break down.

…at the factory and there was a real risk of disturbance.

‘What do we want?’

Round, like a circle in a spiral Like a wheel within a wheel.

‘Never ending or beginning,On an ever spinning wheel

Like a snowball down a mountain Or a carnival balloon’

‘When do we want it?’

He said the police presence at the site was evidence of the risk of disorder.

Pc McGarry Number 452.

Judge White dismissed that argument, saying: "I see no evidence of any threat of violence to property or person by reason of the individuals who are occupying the property remaining there."

I for one would like to know just what this Solomonic public servant thinks of the legality or otherwise of occupying someone else’s property against their will but then I’m just an uptight square.

The judge added he was "distinctly uncomfortable" with the way the company was seeking to bring proceedings, which he described as an attempt to "get around the rules".

"I am not satisfied that any named person other than Mark Smith has been personally served," he said.

The adjournment resulted in celebrations for the occupying workers,

Picnics. All the womenfolk brought freshly made pies and cakes. Appalachian square dancing. Horseshoe-throwing. Accordions.

Accordions?

Bastards.

…who were told by mobile phone.

‘Hello. This is Gunaratna from the call centre. Can I be speaking to the main benefit claimant of the household, please?’

They had expected bailiffs to arrive soon after court proceedings.

"Everyone in here went absolutely ballistic," said one of the workers inside. "It's given us another week to spread the word and given our legal team time to strengthen the case."

Because it’s an absolute bedrock principle of British law that goes back to antiquity that if a private company’s losing money by employing people and making no sales of their only product, they’ve got to pay those people in perpetuity, right? It worked so well in the 1970s, right?

Although, he conceded that another six nights in the factory was "not a pleasant thought".

There is, no doubt, a terrible infestation of Isle of Wight turbine spiders and quite possibly a case of the Night Zombies, too.

Outside the court, about 200 protesters an alliance of local workers and environmental activists from the mainland also celebrated.

With lashings of ginger beer down The Welder and Tofu-herd, no doubt.

"We have just heard that the case has been adjourned to 4 August," Steve Stotesbury, a 29-year-old blade maker,

Don’t you just love those Olde English craftsmen and their ancient trades?

...announced to the crowd. "As we have said from the outset, this is a peaceful demonstration." He added: "We're extremely jubilant. This was the decision we were hoping for. It goes to show the fight is not over."

Extremely jubilant is good enough, and I for one can’t wait to see how this fight works out. Let us read on…

Workers at the site have recently signed up to the National Union of Rail, Maritime and Transport Workers (RMT), which is supporting their campaign.

The union said today that its general secretary, Bob Crow, was meeting the energy secretary, Ed Miliband, to discuss the situation. Crow will then travel to the island to address the rally camping outside the factory.

Aside from the glamour of his exotic Native American name, one wonders how Crow is going to curry favour with Vesta.

"No one should underestimate the significance of the court throwing out Vestas' repossession application today," said Crow. "This is a significant victory which gives us more time to build the global campaign to save Vestas."

Perhaps you can invite the global campaigners to ante up and order a few wind turbines with their own money, or pay a tithe from their wages to finance the conversion of the factory’s production lines to build something that someone actually wants, such as,oh, I don’t know…helicopter blades?

More activists connected with the protest network Climate Camp joined the protest today, but not in the numbers the group had hoped for.

Ah. Perhaps not.

However, the dispute is proving embarrassing for the energy secretary, who a fortnight ago pledged to install 10,000 wind turbines by 2020.

Yeah, that’s interesting isn’t it? I mean, there’s some kind of apparent cleavage between the government stating that it will do a spectacular A in a bright and glorious imagined future, and at the same time doing nothing to prevent the failure of the real-world actual concrete already-extant B that seems to be Britain’s main agent that could support the aforementioned spectacular A.

Spooky.

The government has also promised to create thousands of "green jobs" of the kind that are being lost with the closure of the Vestas factory.

You know, I’m beginning to think that there might be some sort of terminological inexactitude going on here, or possibly incomplete communication and connection within the government at a fairly high level.

The company has said it is moving production of its blades to the United States because the market in the UK is not growing fast enough.

O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay! Mister Obama’ll help Vesta out, with a little help from his friends and millions and millions of willing taxpayers.

Vestas has been criticised for the way it informed the protesting workers that they had been sacked. The termination letters were delivered to the factory beneath slices of pizza.

Or slices of peregrine falcon, Frisbees, microlite pilots, stunt kites…

You’d need a heart of stone not to laugh at many aspects of this story, but I’m not forgetting that this is a real and powerful human tragedy in which up to 600 families have just been told they’re going to lose their livelihoods.

I was unemployed for longish periods of time myself back in the 1980s – the previous time when a Labour government had spent a decade or so destroying the economy and then having to wait for the recession and the Tories to cure their mess and for new jobs to be created once it was over. And then there was the time I was made redundant by rationalizing companies twice in 5 months. A father and husband does not feel particularly humourous when he has to tell wife and daughter that the holidays and other treats are likely cancelled twice in a single year.

So these poor sods are losing their livelihoods at a bad and worsening time for the economy but the cure being demanded or implied is the disease itself.

One of the diseases.

Not only has our – for want of a better word – government been directing resources toward something that does not generate enough electricity to offset the construction costs of the machines themselves as far as I know, but which also take the money that might be used to build more generating capacity using more traditional methods of generation. You know; the ones that actually work, such as oil, coal, nuclear.

And of course while these subsidized monstrosities are being constructed, the money that subsidizes them isn’t being spend on consumer goods and isn’t being invested in non-white elephant manufacturing, and so the firms and individuals taxed to support Vesta’s ‘production’ are poorer.

Not as poor as they’re going to be when the lights start going out.

This is pure Left-wing politics. The machines don’t generate power for more than a fraction of their ‘working lives’, they need to be remotely arrayed away from cities so transmission costs and losses are greater, they look ugly as hell and spoil the view where they are sited remotely, and they soak up money, manpower, land, engineering expertise, and they’re going to help generate blackouts and brownouts for Labour’s schoolsnhospitals.

It is just about possible that making useless things at public cost might generate some or a lot of new technology (look at the early space race and particularly its military side), and to stimulate new plant building and skills training, but one wonders what ancient Egypt would have been like if it had spent all that pyramid-building stone and craftsmanship and labour on securing a larger empire, or new technology, or building manufacturing centres for consumer goods, or science instead of glorifying the deaths of a few rulers and burying wealth and blood in the sand.

Oh, and do despair – I mean, really despair, as the Tories are not coming to the rescue on this one.

Kind eyes

Day 4 of SillyWeek. Supplies getting low. Natives learning my subtle ways.

Running out of BBC and police staff officers stuff to do...

Situation getting desperate...might have to fisk Polly just to make it through to Friday night...

Ed Balls, the intrepid Amy, a badge and the power of Twitter

By Bronagh Miskelly on July 9, 2009 4:35 PM

Ed Balls, the children's, schools and families ( and teenagers’ and street gangs’ and adolescents’ and emos’ and bulemics' and NEET’s and tweenagers’ but not former polytechnics but really other great big buildings formerly full of books and what’s that big word beginning with an ‘E’ what you say three times over to prevent bad luck for a whole month or even for the whole lifetime of a Parliament ever happening again?) secretary, was able to stand up for social workers today thanks to Twitter and the efforts of Community Care reporter Amy Taylor.

It started with a Tweet - Balls announced on the social networking site Twitter this morning that he hoped to wear a "Thank God for Social Workers" badge when giving a speech to the Association of Directors of Children's Services, if the badge reached him in time.

In which he said he was going to recruit up to 200 more social workers from other professions, such as lawyers and teachers. And they can have badges too!

The badges were produced by Take a Break magazine which was inspired by Community Care's Stand Up Now for Social Work campaign. Community Care's deputy editor Emma Maier had sent a badge to Balls but it seemed he had not received it.

A flurry of Twitter messages between the Community Care team and the minister followed, including the promise of a badge.

Obviously, Twitter would be a useful tool for police, teachers, social workers and doctors to liaise about specific cases of suspected abuse, or for social workers to do it in-house. And they can get badges!

Next a text message was sent to Community Care journalist Amy Taylor who was attending the conference and who happened to have some of the badges in her bag. Amy intrepidly made her way through Balls' entourage...

One only hopes that she is every bit as intrepid standing at locked doors in the deck-housing and tower blocks of some urine-scented council Auschwitz, and as good an organiser when communicating with other agencies.

...to deliver the prized item and the world was rewarded with a Twitter message from Balls stating he was wearing the badge on stage.

So he already had a badge! So that's alright.

This was followed up with the photographic evidence - a picture posted online by Balls of himself, Amy and Kim Bromley-Derry, ADSC president, proudly displaying the Thank God message.

And they've got a badge!

Having a cabinet minister make a visible effort on an issue like this is very important for the profession especially if it turns out to be backed up by action.

And certainly if some poor abused child is off somewhere bieng beaten and burned and raped whilst the paid professionals are polishing their public image and buying government approval as the price of a nice shiny badge, well...What's the worst that can happen anyway?

It's not like anyone imporatant with lots of votes and money annd media power ever said 'That's my worst enemy: a social worker with a badge...'

Night of the Living Social Workers.

The Old Grey Rope Trick

Even without Silly Week some of us on the starboard bow have been having fun with Ben Stephenson, Controller, (marvellous Orwellian title that) (of) BBC Drama Commissioning.

Some have remarked the obvious Left-wing bias about this story to which the BBC are naturally oblivious, and some its faux hipness, and some its incestuous and smug monoculture.
It may seem unfair to kick the BBC when it’s down, but one day I might find myself at the wrong time at a disco or in a pizza house that’s frequented by Jews, and so I count this as a bit of advanced retaliation.

Plus it’s all very, very silly.

Ben Stephenson, Controller, BBC Drama Commissioning, announced today that he has commissioned over 20 hours of original authored drama for BBC One next year.

The Silence, Luther (working title), A Passionate Woman, The Deep and Sherlock all demonstrate the BBC's commitment to make a full range of drama programmes that will entertain, challenge and engage audiences.

Ben Stephenson says: "I couldn't be more excited about the wealth of authored drama that I have commissioned for the first half of 2010. It is a credit to the writers and producers of this country that so much astonishing work is coming through.

"All of these pieces start and end with a writer's startling vision, whether it is Fiona Seres's and Simon Donald's brilliantly-imagined serials, the first thrilling series from Neil Cross, an incredibly personal piece of writing from Kay Mellor or the sheer chutzpah of Steven Moffat and Mark Gatiss's modern take on Sherlock Holmes.

"Following on from the success of Peter Bowker's Occupation....

Bowker himself said this about the piece:

"It isn't a message piece in the sense that it can be boiled down to a simple take on the invasion of Iraq and its consequences. It's a story about three men who are united in battle, but are torn apart by the aftermath."

Coincidentally, the Left-leaning Independent’s TV critic liked this show.

With its everyday story threads of the Iraq war shattering a marriage in the post-war charity effort, the suicidal depression of one civvy-street veteran and the other’s dream to become a mercenary leeching off the reconstruction budget it’s hard to see any common theme or stance that the production took, though it’s certainly interesting to see a mainstream media outlet intimating – despite the powerful pressure that must undoubtedly have been brought to bear on the BBC by the bellicist establishment - that not all may be perfect about the post-invasion settlement. Superb.

…and Russell T Davies's Torchwood,..

If anything stood the slightest chance of reviving the tired-out old monsters-from-outer-space meme, it would be introducing lots of all kinds of subversive sex into any and every part of the series and tying it all in with not one but two children’s programmes.

And it works!

…I hope these new commissions demonstrate the BBC's renewed commitment to drama series and serials and give us a reason to be proud of all the talent coming out of Britain at the moment."

Full programme information

The Silence, 4 x 60-minute serial, written by Fiona Seres, made by Company Pictures

A unique coming-of-age drama about a sheltered 18-year-old deaf girl who unwittingly witnesses a murder and consequently becomes the key witness.

Combining the weakness of youth and the vulnerability that disability endows is a master-stroke: but making her the witness to a murder and building up tension around the potential threat that the killer might pose is exactly the kind of fresh thinking that belies all the partisan and unfair criticism that the BBC has suffered over past years.

A Passionate Woman, 2 x 90-minutes, written by Kay Mellor, made by Rollem

Kay Mellor's play adapted for TV into two stories: the first focuses on a mother's affair in the Fifties and the second is set in the Eighties and looks at the consequences of that affair 30 years on. A Passionate Woman is a very personal look at the changing role of women over the last 50 years.

They’re going to have to be very careful about this one to get it right.

The 1950’s is a notoriously difficult era to dramatize compellingly because the decade lacks so much of the vibrant atmosphere with which later years have equipped the contemporary playwright. Without the colourful presence of: modern high levels of violent crime; serial adultery; commonplace infidelity; routine divorce; mass illegitimacy and fatherlessness; publicly–funded and easily accessible abortion and the growth of new and virulent venereal diseases it’s going to be tricky to establish any sense of sexual, moral or physical danger for the heroine to overcome or at least to measure her very natural desires against.

I can only hope that Mellor employs some subtle storytelling trick here such as having the people around the protagonist behaving no better within their own their own prejudices and belief-systems than she does. Might I suggest traditional; and indeed Christian, marriage as a fertile soil for this kind of contrast?

To be still more daring it might be possible to hint (and hinting alone would be all that the BBC would surely choose to do) that some of those in power over her and who will inevitably discover and condemn her infidelity should criticise her whilst secretly not practicing the morality that they themselves publicly uphold and enforce?

Luther (working title), 6 x 60-minute series, written by Neil Cross, made by BBC Drama Production

A dark psychological crime drama in which John Luther, a detective struggling with his own terrible demons, might just be as dangerous as the depraved murderers he hunts...

Now that’s what I’m talking about! A tormented and possibly even villainous detective (possibly leading us to suspect that he is the killer or is at least in some way parallels his evil mindset) is just what the crime drama needs to be rescued from its ever-growing obscurity its otherwise inevitable demise.

Each week, the killer's identity will be known to the audience, making every story both a ticking clock and a psychic duel between hunter and quarry…

Brilliant! Why, it would invert the whole genre, and the audience would find itself in the know and following the sleuth’s investigations and see in real time how the murderer put his off his trail. One could almost find oneself rooting for the killer’s evasions to be successful; at least possibly for a while. Now if they only make Luther an unassuming and even doltish character to disarm the killers’ suspicions then the BBC could be onto a masterpiece.

– who have more in common than either would like to think.

Shared characteristics, tastes and motivations between hunter and hunted: it’s got award ceremony written all over it. I can imagine the camerawork doing much to promote this: perhaps shots where the profiles or silhouettes of the antagonists merge or meet, and perhaps by contrast events that emphasize their separation and distinction. I’m thinking of perhaps bars separating them, but who is in prison and who is free? Also perhaps doves taking flight might be worth a try.

I must warn you however that I can foresee hard times up ahead for the author. He’s used the name of the much-revered founder of the Reformation and the hero of a worldwide Christian sect and the theological father of the state religion of Britain. The Church is likely to be very harsh in its disapprobation of Cross for this script and he may find many doors to the worlds of the powerful and the wealthy closed to him for the rest of his life as a result. One simply must admire such integrity in the creation of new work.

The Deep, 5 x 60 minute serial, written by Simon Donald, made by Tiger Aspect Productions

A thriller set far below the Arctic ice, the action follows the crew of an oceanographer's submarine as they search the final frontiers of Earth for unknown and remarkable life forms. When inexplicable circumstances cause catastrophe to strike, the crew find themselves stranded with no power, limited oxygen and no communication with the surface. And they are completely alone – or so they think...

I must say that the concept of a small group of explorers or scientists in some distant and hazardous environment; isolated from the rest of humanity and in peril from some unknown and possibly unearthly threat came right out of left field. It absolutely blindsided me because it was so unexpected. This is like standing at the threshold of a new epoch as the very idea throbs with the potential of a new and compelling way of making drama that could almost become a genre in its own right. I have to say I can’t wait to see this one on the screen - though I predict that The Deep will have its inferior imitators more or less straight away.

Just one point, though.

It might be the cherry on the top of this virginal feast if the mysterious threat (whatever it might turn out be) was in some way man-made. It could perhaps be the product or bye-product of military experiments or industrial pollution; or even the product of military experiments with industrial pollution. And just to give it that yet pioneering up-to-the-minute finish that all fine drama requires it might even be eventually discovered that the authorities themselves knew about the threat but that they buried the secret (but not the danger that it contained) out of some powerful and convention-defying motivations such as financial cost or concerns about the diplomatic consequences of being discovered. They might - and I admit that it’s asking a lot of even such a courageous institution as the BBC - even imply covert collusion between the American and British governments to keep the international community unaware of the danger that they had created at the highest level.

The early 1980s might be a suitable time for such a back-story, but I’m only guessing.

And finally…

Sherlock, 3 x 90 minutes, co-created by Steven Moffat and Mark Gatiss, made by Hartswood Films

A contemporary take on the classic stories, starring Benedict Cumberbatch as the new Sherlock Holmes and Martin Freeman as his loyal friend, Dr John Watson. Sherlock is a thrilling, funny, fast-paced adventure series set in present-day London.

I’m speechless.

Just make it so, and be quick about it!

The only niggling concern that I have about this one is the casting of Benedict Cumberbatch as Holmes in any reimagining of these great stories. I’d suggest – if I had the power – that they might reconsider the role for someone else more experienced in this kind of thing, such as: Christopher Plummer, Douglas Fairbanks, Buster Keaton, Larry Hagman, John Cleese, Peter Cooke, Barrie Ingham, Daffy Duck or Kermit the Frog,

I’m at a loss here in the face of all this BBC originality.

As a conservative I just can’t get my head around the idea of doing something differently from the things you’ve done before.

You know how it is with us paleocerebral types: you see an idea, and if it doesn’t kill you, hang onto it at all costs. Marriage. Families who bring up their own children. Living in your own country. Owning property. Equality before the law. Working for a living. Personal responsibility. Punishing lawbreakers. Having laws other than The Communications Act 2003. I can see how everyone connected with the BBC would get furious about anyone ever doing the same thing over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again year after year after year after year after year after year after year after year as people such as I do.

I can’t ever hope to match the BBC’s legendary innovation and endless revolution in time for the 2011 new drama season…

But I can try.

Mum’s Militia.

In the face of growing fascist power on the Continent, a diverse and raggle-taggle bunch of amateurs comes together to face down the racist threat. They are a representative cross-section of bourgeois British life: an effete and defeatist impoverished public schoolboy; an officious tool of the banking system; an insane and gung-ho war veteran; a number of profiteering small businessmen, corrupt clergymen and a venial police officer. The only bona fide decorated war hero amongst them is a pacifist.

Muesli.

A heart-warming view of the underside of life from within one of Britain’s notorious detention centres in which cheerful and essentially good working class men strive to retain their dignity in the face of brutal guards and a corrupt and oppressive judicial system.

Broken Bauhaus.

Trapped in a loveless, sexless marriage, the demented veteran of an Asian land war bends ever-lower under the pressure of unceasing requests on his time from ruthlessly demanding middle-class clients and of threats to his self-image as a respectable businessman in the South Coast hospitality industry from his poorly-paid multi-cultural staff. Finally, concussed in an industrial accident caused by unsafe working practices, his damaged mind at last shatters and all his ancient, militaristic resentment and sexual angst force their way to the surface in an at once painful and compelling montage of his stream-of-consciousness invective, hurt, and historical revenge.

LA Dolce Vita.

Oppressed by industrial pollution and the crisis of capitalism, a couple build a sustainable and carbon-neutral alternative to the destruction of the planet in the heart of the climate changing military-industrial complex; a heart to which they place the dagger of goats…

Repeat as necessary…

No! No! The OTHER genius

Of course there’s silly: and then there's very silly, and then there’s utterly, profanely, running around outdoors and dancing in the street clad only in clingfilm, gravy and cornflakes abjectly, insultingly, ream-me-like-a-shower-block-bitch stupid.

David Miliband has called for a change of emphasis in strategy in Afghanistan, urging the country's government to talk to moderate members of the Taliban.

‘You hear that, Mo? The British Foreign Secretary wants to peel us away from our more hard-line co-religionists. Pass the wire cutters, please.’

‘It’s an interesting notion, Jawid. I myself am a moderate Taliban and wish only to stone rape victims to death on Tuesdays, Thursdays and alternate Sundays. Personally, I can’t stand the extremists in charge who just won’t lighten up. Now the masking tape, dear friend.’

Mr Miliband said the objectives of the UK's mission were clear but accepted the public "wanted to know whether and how we can succeed" in Afghanistan.

‘I’d surely like an answer to both questions myself. I’d be particularly pleased to be privy to the inner war councils of the British Government, because what they believe to be the ultimate outcome of this regrettable conflict may very well alter my actions as an AK-carrying member of the Slightly Militant Tendency. For example, if they believe that a mechanized counter-insurgency operation, led by special forces and supported by aviation assets and high-grade satellite intelligence will work in the long term, I might be inclined to move more into degrading the infidels’ tracked and wheeled vehicle fleet to force them to expensively re-equip. This strategy might also provide more time for our negotiators in the Swat Valley and representatives elsewhere Pakistan to acquire supplies of radioactives and atomic detonators – perhaps through forming part or all of the government of that moderate Muslim land. See the red fuse wire? Ah, thank you Mohammed, my expatriate friend.’

‘I couldn’t agree more, my non-extremist brother, Jawid. When I lived back in the Midlands (the historic industrial heartland of my parents’ host country my own native home of England), I only browsed to less-than Armageddon-inviting genocidal jihadist websites. And I swear by my Aston Villa tattoos that I mean to work on a massive civil reconstruction effort in a future infidel-free Afghanistan: concentrating mostly on public sanitation, street lighting, jobs training for our largely sadly unemployed youth who do not have privileged access to the opium trade, and discreetly exporting small numbers of advance technology products to England itself. I was thinking of Aldershot, Brize Norton, and a number of the South Coast ports, as well as the Faslane submarine base in Scotland. Of course, before I can achieve any of that I’ll need to moderately make sure that the women of Afghanistan and Pakistan are modestly dressed and safe from the hazards of paid employment, the rough mountain winds of this ancient but romantic place governed as it is by a loose confederacy of hill tribes and minor local potentates, and sunlight. And before that I’d like to know if the British government means to win at all. I must say I’m tempted to concentrate a bit more on killing UK servicemen for the effects on morale on the troops’ families and hence - through the system of godless politics called democracy - on the British government’s determination to see their crusade against us through.

Indeed, I would be minded to pursue such a grim but necessary course towards the greater good should Her Majesty's Government show weakened resolve or partial reservations about the justice and ultimate resolution of this regrettable conflict.

Now the main charge, please, and the casing.'

As part of this, Mr Miliband said current insurgents should be reintegrated into society and, in some cases, given a role in local and central government.

‘This too is a hopeful sign, Mohammed my friend. If I fail to find a post dealing with women's rights issues her in my native Afghanistan, I hope to receive a post somewhere in civil aviation – perhaps air traffic control or baggage handling at Heathrow Airport; provided of course that I can escape the steely net of the UK Border Agency and find such enjoyable work at a suitably low wage.’

He made a distinction between "hard-line ideologues" and Jihaddists within the Taliban and other groups who must be fought and defeated from those who could be "drawn into a political process".

I would certainly welcome a ceasefire during which I and my new brothers here in Afghanistan could remove from our countrymen those obstacles and distractions that keep them from recognising and cherishing our moderation – such inconveniences and burdens as superfluous limbs and sight organs and the pointless knowledge of their children’s exact whereabouts.

Pressure plate’s done.’

Those who had either been coerced or bribed into joining the insurgency could be engaged with if they disowned violence and respected the Afghan constitution, he said.

"These Afghans must have the option to choose a different course."

Earlier, International Development Secretary Douglas Alexander compared the move to the talks that brought an end to the conflict in Northern Ireland.

‘I understand that seats in the provincial government was what the Sinn Fein leaders required, plus the deputy leadership of that country and partial control over the civilian police, education, agriculture and rural development. All of which I can foresee us and our brothers using constructively to improve everyday life here in the short term and to engage more closely with opposition parties and enter into institutions of government once the Americans and British have taken their allies and armaments and our moderate leaders’ signatures and we can once more decide who rules according to our ancient customs.’

Mr Alexander, who is in Afghanistan, conceded that it was a "challenging" message for politicians to suggest when British troops were being killed in action.

He told BBC Radio 4's Today programme he had "confidence in the good judgment of the British people".

Mr Alexander added: "I think people recognise from the experience of places like Northern Ireland that it is necessary to put military pressure on the Taliban while at the same time holding out the prospect that there can be a political process that can follow."

‘Finished here, Jawid. Shall we find a useful spot to place this example of traditional craftsmanship where Mister Milliband’s underlings can find it all unexpected-like?

I do so enjoy being moderate.’

David Miliband’s foreign policy qualifications can be see here, and Douglas Alexander’s diplomatic and military career can be seen here.